my future family

I'm reaching the time in my motherhood journey where people begin wondering about baby #2, myself included...The theories running rampant through my thoughts about whats best, whats ideal? Because let's face it, no matter what the topic, those theories are out there. I've known for a while now that I wanted to wait until I was 30, until I had a chance to feel in shape again, etc. So when our friends decided to have a destination wedding in the upcoming fall I felt a weight lifted. I kept telling myself..."now i don't have to think about it until October because I REFUSE to be pregnant on the beach in Mexico!" It felt nice to have an event on the calendar to help narrow down my timeline.

As i was driving home from my sister's house the other night, i was watching her in the back seat. I was confident she would fall asleep since we were already an hour passed her bedtime, but instead i watched her looking out the window....at the street lights, passing cars, trees, buildings....and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, like someone pressing a giant pause button on my heart...

...the truth is, in 10 years, even less, our family will look completely different....and forever. This tiny family of three we have right now will not be how people remember the Todd's. This time of it being just the 3 of us is mere seconds compared to the rest of our lives. And it broke my heart...not necessarily in a sad way, just in a way that made me stop feeling rushed, like if i miss the ideal window to have #2 that i would regret it. It made me so excited about spending another summer with just her...not the newborn version of her where I'm constantly trying to make sure she doesn't overheat and where all the activities we do are simply for my sanity.....but the toddler version of her that will be running around and getting excited and actually sharing in the memories with us.

If anything, it just made me very aware of how small a piece of our life this will be and that I want to soak in every minute of this summer of adventures with my first born...the one who really changed it all, the one who pushed and pulled me in ways I didn't know were possible, the one who changed how i see everything, the one who was here from the beginning as we looked at each other wondering how this whole mother/child relationship was gonna work out.....

yup....i need more time with this one.

my future family...whatever it may look like and however many years apart, and however old i am....will be perfect.

Exhibit A

I hate what a challenge it is to stay consistent with blogging. I hate that it's been almost 2 months since my last post. Since doing the Artist Way I've been writing 3 pages of freehand almost everyday for several months which has somewhat replaced blogging a little. I just finished my third notebook and haven't had a chance to get a new one yet so it's been almost a week since I wrote and I can feel my brain and my heart filling up with no where to spill over. The daily writing has become such a significant part of my day. So that's why I'm here.

I don't even have anything to say really other than I felt the urgent need to be heard, even if by a blank page. I can't stay still, I can't focus. Maybe it's the very little caffeine I had today....maybe it's because I didn't get a good workout in, maybe it's because I'm restless. Restelss because I'm ready to start seeing results...in my body, in my creativity, in my role as a stay at home mom. To clarify, the progress is there and always has been but it's so gradual that it's easy to become impatient. Maybe I'll only feel that today or maybe the rest of the week. It's a constant ebb and flow. Shocker.

I want to be done now because I can't think of anything else to say, but the tugging is still there, that there's a need for something to get out. Possibly the fear that we are quickly approaching the time we will begin discussing baby #2 and I feel very unprepared...or that my best friend is NOT in fact moving back to Nashville and it's completely unfair, or that 4 of my friends have new babies and I'm worried I'll be forgotten...or that I'm turning 30 this summer...or maybe (and most likely) this is just what happens when I don't get it all out on the page daily. No mother should be left alone with her thoughts for more than a couple days. There are a multitude of consequences and this post is Exibit A.

You're welcome.

P.S. Here's a video of an Instagram series I started called #momdiary. Enjoy. If it's works that is, I feel like it's not gonna work. Oh well..