I'm already trying to come up with a list of amazing excuses. Here's what I've got so far:
-The summer was just so full of adventure that I just couldn't find time
- The fall is too gorgeous to want to spend any time cooped up inside
-The holidays are always crazy busy with events and parties and hand making all the perfect gifts
Hmmmm. My real list looks something like this:
- the summer was too humid to go outside...and I didn't have the energy to pack for what felt like a weekend to take her to the pool and hope the entire time that she didn't drown.
- the fall was indeed gorgeous and I did spend a lot of time outside...but not for the benefit of my child. It was mostly spent running with the stroller in order to get myself in shape for my childless week in Mexico. But hey, win/win right?
- the holidays WERE crazy busy the week before Christmas while I frantically tried to get last minute gift ideas together. All hand purchased. I spent most of my time before that moping around because I had returned from vacation to freezing weather and darkness by 4:30.
I have this theory that being a stay at home mom can feel like you are constantly trying to keep your head above water. Often if im not feeling like a great mom (play dates, healthy lunches, no screens, one on one quality time, adventures, reading, learning, etc etc etc) i feel like a NOT great mom. I will feel tired, or bored, or lonely, or impatient. I will want her to play by herself so i can stare at my phone some more...and then...I will feel guilty about all of those things. The guilt is the worst. Because the guilt is a lie. I think that's why I'm treading water in the first place....to not let the guilt sink me. And right now....in stupid January (when it's cold and rainy and I feel unmotivated and
trapped in my house)...the water is freezing. And my limbs are slowing down. And the guilt is actually tugging at my leg.
I looked up the word "guilt", wanting to learn more about it since it thinks we are best friends...and it is defined as "the state of one who has done something wrong". It actually caught me off guard....because I don't feel that at all. I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong. So what am I feeling then, I wondered. And I thought...its not that I am doing something wrong, but more that I could be doing it better. Hmmmm....interesting. So I decided to look up the word "better", since it was my NEW best friend. "Comparative of good and well" ..."improve on or surpass (an existing or previous level or achievement)". What i immediately noticed was that the word "better" can't exist without the word "compare".
In my right mind I know all of this obviously, and in other scenarios comparing yourself and trying to do better can be healthy and beneficial. But studying these words from my current perspective as a mom was eye-opening. I feel like I go out of my way not to read parent magazines or Facebook articles to avoid this exact feeling. I thought I was doing a stellar job not comparing myself to other moms....but I think it's nearly impossible. We seek out so much information as first time parents about breast feeding, vaccinations, co-sleeping, diapering methods, sleep schedules, the best foods, the best schools, ...(this list could go on forever and ever....) hoping for some clarity and guidance and we leave with a hope and a prayer that we choose all the right things, the best things. We feel discouraged if our initial methods fail or "guilty" if we cave and let them watch too much tv or if we are exhausted and decide to grab fast food instead of cooking, all the while promising ourselves we will make up for it tomorrow. We will be a "better" mom tomorrow.
Well, I call bullshit.
You're a mom. That's enough. That's hard enough and amazing enough without adding all the other stuff. They are ours because we are the best-equipped for the job. There is no comparison. So next time I feel like I'm drowning I will recite this to myself and stop trying so hard. I will just let myself sink. We are moms after all, the masters of multi-tasking. I'm pretty sure we can do anything, right? Including breathing under water.
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