any communication is better than no communication

I am now at the 6 month mark....which i feel like was another big hurdle. maybe there is just a hurdle every 3 months? The 6 month mark has been a big step for me in multiple ways.

First of all...I have reached my breastfeeding goal! i thought i would maybe go longer depending on how i felt...but i honestly think that because i was anticipating being done, my body has literally stopped producing milk without me even trying. it's so insane how our minds can create a physical reaction.

Secondly, I have finally started to voice some of my struggles to Jeremy. I don't know why it has been so difficult to do that. Worst case scenario is that we will fight, which isn't the end of the world, so i don't know why I've been filled with so much fear about it. I do hate confrontation. I have to realize that ANY communication is better than no communication at all. Although the talks may have been rocky...it was a huge relief to break that barrier of pretending to be content with the way things were.

I had been not only planning my day around Eva but him as well, and at the end of the day i would feel angry and depressed for not having done anything fun or productive. I had this fear that if I didn't spend time with him at home while he was working, that we would never see each other. Our talk enabled him to give me his full support that I should plan my day with her in a way that brings me joy and that I have to trust that when he can, he will make it a priority to participate.

These last 3 months have really hammered into me how important it is to keep talking to each other. no matter what. what you have to say may be trivial, it may be wrong, it may be hurtful, but keeping it all in creates a gap between the two of you that over time will grow wider and wider.

great expectations

sometimes i feel trapped in a pit of resentment....which i have read is extremely common. lately it has made me furious how different men and women are. and it becomes easy to forget the ways we are compatible.

being a mom, i live in the day to day...he is thinking and planning for the future.

this concept is supposed to feel balanced...and i know that i need someone to be looking out for the future of my family. that is his role. and a role i am grateful for. but sometimes it makes me feel so separate from him, living in a completely different world. and because of that, motherhood can seem like a very lonely place sometimes. 

i had this expectation that having a baby would inevitably change the way we do things...equally. but there are things that she needs from me, she is more reliant on me...therefore i have had to make much more drastic changes to my life. as hard as that is, it's a baby...an innocent outside source that is giving me no choice but to adjust. i can't really direct any anger towards her for that. 

what i'm trying to say is that i thought we would both have to adjust our lives for her...when in reality i'm adjusting my life for her and he is adjusting his life more for me. this isn't a negative thing necessarily, i just hate that i feel like the bad guy. she was supposed to be the bad guy. i have to be the one to ask him to change things and vocalize what i need from him. so if he gets frustrated, i'm the one it is directed at because i'm the one asking for it. i didn't think I would be the one having to turn his world upside down...

now and then

no new revelations to point out at the moment, but i'm afraid if i don't keep up with posting then i'll eventually quit.

so i thought i could inform you a little about my story.

I married my next door neighbor whom i met when i was 17. We were married by the time i was 22. and i was pregnant by 27. My husband is a DJ. He didn't become a DJ until the first year or so into being married. Needless to say, that made for an interesting and quite adventure-filled marriage. Extreme highs and extreme lows....which i would say is an accurate definition of any marriage.

2008-2012 was a continuous series of late nights full of friends, dancing, sweating, drinking, and terrible 3am food choices. It was fun...and exhausting and after a while we were ready for the next thing. "Ready" being the operative word. I knew I would never really be ready for a kid so we just rolled the dice and waited to see what would happen.

I found out I was pregnant on December 13th 2012. Even though I knew it was a huge possibility, I was still so shocked when that stick had two lines. I immediately began the long process of preparing for the shift that my life would soon take.....a process i fear i will be in forever.

He is still a DJ and I think will be for some time. I still get to go out every once in a while but of course there is this looming sense of responsibility hanging over me all of the time. Since she is still a baby it's easy to have her on our late night schedule...but it's going to have to change soon and I am currently wondering  how all of that is going to work itself out. One day at a time, I guess.