The first of the first

Well, it happened. My tiny baby is not a tiny baby anymore. She turned a year old yesterday. The big first. The first of the first. Her party isn't until this weekend but we did go out last night and she opened some presents and ate a cupcake. We spent the morning watching old videos of her being born and our time in the hospital.
Its hard to remember her looking like she did then. Its hard remembering how every little noise she made was the most amazing thing I had ever heard. And now here we are, anticipating her first steps.

I was watching Sex and the City the other night, the one where Miranda's baby turns 1...they were all singing happy birthday and I had a meltdown realizing that I would be singing happy birthday for the first time in my life to my own child. Then I cried the night before yesterday just looking through old pictures of her. Surprisingly yesterday I was a little more emotionally removed. I was also very tired and a tad irritable. But then it snuck up on me again....

I hadn't realized that she would be old enough to actually react to her presents. My in-laws got her a stuffed Lambchop doll that talks. They have the puppet version at their house so she already knows who Lambchop is...I let her pull it out of the bag and she got the biggest smile on her face and then gave him a kiss...then proceeded to use him as a pillow and laid on my chest. I almost died due to my heart exploding out of my chest. I teared up and quickly got it together. The whole restaurant sang happy birthday to her, it was awesome. And then she quickly inhaled the mini (well, 2)..mini cupcakes. It was a good day.

What a bright light she is....to me and the rest of the world. Cannot wait to see what God has in store for her.

Happy First Birthday sweet girl!!! I'm so excited to share in this life journey with you, growing together, molding each other, unconditionally loving one another, butting heads, fighting it out, healing from heart aches, suffering disappointments, seeing the silver linings, and making it to the other side.

In the moment

I'm 5 weeks into The Artist's Way and I feel I've already hit some highs and some lows. I've accomplished some pretty vital tasks such as writing every day, taking time for myself at least once a week to do something I enjoy, and making a creative space for myself in the house....which in turn has helped me make space for myself in my own life. From marriage to motherhood to working, it's taught me that it's okay to be selfish with my solitude...in fact it's necessary. And it's taken a bit to stop feeling guilty about that. It still creeps up every time I go off to have ME time, but I'm getting better at fighting it and feeling confident in my needs.

The lows include anger, shame, sadness, fear. Mostly due to the harsh truth that I've let myself get this far lost from who I really am and what I really love to do. Overwhelming fear of what it's going to take to get back there and what other people will think of me. Disappointment in myself that I care so much what other people will think.

I'm also trying to balance all of this while soaking in Eva's rapid development....not wanting to miss a moment. It feels like every week she's doing something new...making a new noise, having a better understanding when something is funny, realizing different ways her hands can move. It's magical. I need to make a conscious decision to play with her a little more, hold her a little longer before she goes to bed, not be in such a hurry or so worried about the eternal list of things that need to get done... and just live in the moment. And let's be honest....I don't mean all day every day...but making sure it happens at some point every day is a step in the right direction, and God-willing, maybe that will get easier.

the other side

She will turn 1 year old this month. There are no words, really.

I'm running the gamut of emotions.
Denial... disbelief...heartache... joy.... relief.

I feel like her turning a year is like me finally coming up for air. I still have a few pounds I would like to lose, but I can't believe I'm almost to the other side, back to feeling like me again.

Will there ever be a year in my life more significant, more challenging, more beautiful?