It has been too long. I'm frustrated with myself for not making the time to write. And now so much has happened I find it hard to fill in all the gaps. And I can't even blame it on the baby...well...toddler. I have had time, just no motivation. That's something I wasn't expecting when circumstances allowed me to be stay at home mom. I was never intending to really do the stay at home mom thing but when the option fell in my lap I was excited about it. For about two weeks. It's not her, it's me...I swear. The days run together. I have no structure, no plan. When it is left to me to make that for myself I almost always fail. I am good at being told what to do. Someone give me a task. I need accountability. I'm aware that I can chose to change all these things myself, but sometimes I feel so lost that I don't know how to find my way back to civilization. With every decision I could make, there's 10 excuses to back it up. I thought I would accomplish so much more with her with all the free time I had. But instead I feel guilty for not doing more, not being more creative, watching too much tv, not getting her out of the house enough, not scheduling enough play dates. Not to mention the guilt of not contributing to the finances. Tis motherhood. The guilt that follows you everywhere. I guess I should be giving myself a pat on the back for writing though? It's been almost 4 months so maybe this a step in the right direction.
What has she been up to for the past four months you ask? Well...her crib that once seemed so vast is getting smaller and smaller. I have a little person living with me now. New sounds, new faces. Waving at everyone and anything. Repeating words. Following directions, walking, making animal sounds, throwing tantrums, blowing kisses. I feel like I can see the wheels constantly turning in her mind. It's a fascinating thing to witness. Christmas is around the corner and I cannot wait to watch her open presents and eat grandpas homemade french toast for the first time!
I can't wait to start our own family traditions. Christmas will never be the same. Watching her face light up will be the only thing on my wish list for a while.
welcome back! i struggle with structure as well. i give myself one chore per day. i make a list. i go small some day, big the others. don't be hard on yourself (i know, i know).
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