So, i think I had a small realization since I wrote last...
well, maybe it's not small?....or i shouldn't downplay it at least.
simply put...my love languages are changing.
Quality time has always been my #1...maybe physical touch coming in 2nd?
well...there isn't much time for quality time anymore, so i have had to adjust to that. and its hard to want physical touch when you don't feel good about your body.
so at this point, there is a huge gap in me receiving any kind of love that is fulfilling to me. the kind of love that can sustain me through the week and help prevent my massive meltdowns.
Between grocery shopping, planning healthy meals out for the week, cooking, keeping the kitchen clean, working out 4 days a week, planning my mom's 60th birthday party, oh..and raising a baby, I desperately need some acknowledgement as to what a great job I'm doing.
Words of Affirmation has never been high on my list. But I've realized that when I get so upset, it's because in my mind I'm screaming "Look how much I've changed!! Look how much I've given up!! Look how hard I'm trying to get back in shape!!"....I know he knows this and notices it, but I need him to tell me....A LOT.
to his credit, i have made it very clear in the past that words of affirmation was not a big deal to me, so much so that I felt really silly asking for it. I can't tell you how much better I feel when he tells me what an amazing mom/wife/hard worker I am and that he notices. It feels like taking in the deepest breath of fresh air.
i guess it makes sense, though....that when you transition into being a mom and your whole world changes, that the way you give and receive love also changes.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
it just takes time
am i going to go through the rest of my life always feeling that this whole thing is unfair? I have GOT to find a way to be at peace with motherhood and all that comes with it. will that ever happen? will I ever get there?
On good days, I am able to graciously accept that my life seems unfair, but on the days that it's a struggle, it takes over me like a disease. I go on an internal rant in my head and all logic disappears. All this anger/resentment/disappointment builds up inside me and I don't know how to let it out without exploding on my husband, so I just push it down and walk around like a zombie all day. He obviously becomes very aware that I am not myself and wants to talk about it....but at that point i am so worked up that I feel there is no way to have a healthy discussion about it.
this is where i currently am....trying to learn what to do with all that emotion, or figure out how to stop it before it builds up so much.
i know i need to get to the root of the problem. which is nothing new. i still have a hard time trusting that he will make us a priority. i'm always comparing that i have had to change more than he has. and i'm sick of it. it makes me feel like a child. stomping my foot around yelling "but this isn't fair!!"
i'm guessing like the majority of difficult things in life...it just takes time?
it continues to blow my mind at how similar the emotional journeys are between birth and death. when someone passes away, you all of the sudden have to rearrange your life without them in it, and its overwhelming and exhausting and UNFAIR and you wonder when it will stop hurting and get better. and everyone says...."It just takes time".
ugh..ok, fine. i get it.
On good days, I am able to graciously accept that my life seems unfair, but on the days that it's a struggle, it takes over me like a disease. I go on an internal rant in my head and all logic disappears. All this anger/resentment/disappointment builds up inside me and I don't know how to let it out without exploding on my husband, so I just push it down and walk around like a zombie all day. He obviously becomes very aware that I am not myself and wants to talk about it....but at that point i am so worked up that I feel there is no way to have a healthy discussion about it.
this is where i currently am....trying to learn what to do with all that emotion, or figure out how to stop it before it builds up so much.
i know i need to get to the root of the problem. which is nothing new. i still have a hard time trusting that he will make us a priority. i'm always comparing that i have had to change more than he has. and i'm sick of it. it makes me feel like a child. stomping my foot around yelling "but this isn't fair!!"
i'm guessing like the majority of difficult things in life...it just takes time?
it continues to blow my mind at how similar the emotional journeys are between birth and death. when someone passes away, you all of the sudden have to rearrange your life without them in it, and its overwhelming and exhausting and UNFAIR and you wonder when it will stop hurting and get better. and everyone says...."It just takes time".
ugh..ok, fine. i get it.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
ON/OFF
I have had a really good week....I'm going to the Y four days a week, rotating between running/weights, yoga, cycling, and zumba. i've also been going to trader joe's at the beginning of the week and buying groceries for the week and semi-planning meals. if you know me...this is a big deal. i have been trying to put more effort into planning daytime dates with people whether its with another mom or just meeting a friend for coffee. so i have felt pretty good. but that feeling never seems to stay around for too long.
It's like i only have 2 settings now....ON and OFF. if i'm ON i feel really motivated and positive and i feel like super mom who's got it all together. but in reality even that version of me is hanging by a thread. so any hiccup or glitch in my day (i.e.. bad weather, not enough money, no one available to meet up or hang) has the potential to make me turn OFF.
when i am OFF i become my old self. I look at my new mom routine from the outside and wonder what the hell happened to my life. typically I am ok with the fact that I can't go out to parties anymore but this week there was one party in particular that i wanted to go to and it didn't work out. It's one thing to see pictures of friends out and having fun but its even worse when the party they are at is one that your own husband is throwing. and in this town...he throws most of the parties.
i have also been struggling this week with feeling like i don't belong anywhere. i don't belong with my single friends anymore, but i also don't really belong in the mom world yet either.
anyways...it all just makes me feel lonely and overwhelmed with how eternal this whole parenthood thing is. hopefully the longer i am a parent..my old self and new self will slowly merge into one self and it won't feel like i'm faking it sometimes. hopefully someday there won't be and ON and OFF. there will just be me.
It's like i only have 2 settings now....ON and OFF. if i'm ON i feel really motivated and positive and i feel like super mom who's got it all together. but in reality even that version of me is hanging by a thread. so any hiccup or glitch in my day (i.e.. bad weather, not enough money, no one available to meet up or hang) has the potential to make me turn OFF.
when i am OFF i become my old self. I look at my new mom routine from the outside and wonder what the hell happened to my life. typically I am ok with the fact that I can't go out to parties anymore but this week there was one party in particular that i wanted to go to and it didn't work out. It's one thing to see pictures of friends out and having fun but its even worse when the party they are at is one that your own husband is throwing. and in this town...he throws most of the parties.
i have also been struggling this week with feeling like i don't belong anywhere. i don't belong with my single friends anymore, but i also don't really belong in the mom world yet either.
anyways...it all just makes me feel lonely and overwhelmed with how eternal this whole parenthood thing is. hopefully the longer i am a parent..my old self and new self will slowly merge into one self and it won't feel like i'm faking it sometimes. hopefully someday there won't be and ON and OFF. there will just be me.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
50/50
I have to say....as far as we have "advanced" since previous generations when it comes to parenting, i find myself envying them sometimes.
I appreciate that our generation is always striving to have more equality between couples when it comes to keeping the house clean, cooking, changing diapers, etc....but at the end of the day it just seems to add more stress in my life. i need structure...i crave structure. and back in the day....the gender roles were very clear. he makes the money, she takes care of the house and the children.
the issue for me is not that i can't do all the "mom/wife" stuff by myself...it's the constant waiting around for him to "help" more and always feeling disappointed. this is NOT because he doesn't help me (he does all the laundry :) )...it's because i have these vague expectations of what he is "supposed" to do. because it's 2013 and isn't everything 50/50 now?
it's the not knowing what my role is and what is expected of me that is making this even harder than it should be. since i don't know what is expected of me, i can't possibly know what i expect of him....all i know is that if i don't logically define what i need from him, he will constantly be letting me down without even knowing it. thus begins the cycle of him thinking he's being helpful, me not really acknowledging his help because i'm still bitter about all the OTHER things he's not doing, then us both shutting down.
The talk we finally had that helped break this cycle was me asking him to acknowledge that even when he was home....it was not 50/50. i am fine with being the stay at home parent and actually enjoy it most of the time, but the more he acted like he contributed 50%, the more frustrated i got.
i am aware that our roles will change over the course of time as our kids grow, and that maybe 50/50 will someday be a possibility....but regardless, that talk was the first step in helping define our roles as parents and creating even the tiniest bit of structure in our day to day.
PS: ( during this struggle of expectations i was reading "I'd Trade My Husband For A Housekeeper: loving marriage after baby carriage". The title sounds like it's talking down about husbands but its actually the opposite. it is the only book i have read so far that i really connected with. and it is what pushed me to talk to him about everything i was feeling and helped me stop resenting him all the time).
I appreciate that our generation is always striving to have more equality between couples when it comes to keeping the house clean, cooking, changing diapers, etc....but at the end of the day it just seems to add more stress in my life. i need structure...i crave structure. and back in the day....the gender roles were very clear. he makes the money, she takes care of the house and the children.
the issue for me is not that i can't do all the "mom/wife" stuff by myself...it's the constant waiting around for him to "help" more and always feeling disappointed. this is NOT because he doesn't help me (he does all the laundry :) )...it's because i have these vague expectations of what he is "supposed" to do. because it's 2013 and isn't everything 50/50 now?
it's the not knowing what my role is and what is expected of me that is making this even harder than it should be. since i don't know what is expected of me, i can't possibly know what i expect of him....all i know is that if i don't logically define what i need from him, he will constantly be letting me down without even knowing it. thus begins the cycle of him thinking he's being helpful, me not really acknowledging his help because i'm still bitter about all the OTHER things he's not doing, then us both shutting down.
The talk we finally had that helped break this cycle was me asking him to acknowledge that even when he was home....it was not 50/50. i am fine with being the stay at home parent and actually enjoy it most of the time, but the more he acted like he contributed 50%, the more frustrated i got.
i am aware that our roles will change over the course of time as our kids grow, and that maybe 50/50 will someday be a possibility....but regardless, that talk was the first step in helping define our roles as parents and creating even the tiniest bit of structure in our day to day.
PS: ( during this struggle of expectations i was reading "I'd Trade My Husband For A Housekeeper: loving marriage after baby carriage". The title sounds like it's talking down about husbands but its actually the opposite. it is the only book i have read so far that i really connected with. and it is what pushed me to talk to him about everything i was feeling and helped me stop resenting him all the time).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)