50/50

I have to say....as far as we have "advanced" since previous generations when it comes to parenting, i find myself envying them sometimes.

I appreciate that our generation is always striving to have more equality between couples when it comes to keeping the house clean, cooking, changing diapers, etc....but at the end of the day it just seems to add more stress in my life. i need structure...i crave structure. and back in the day....the gender roles were very clear. he makes the money, she takes care of the house and the children.

the issue for me is not that i can't do all the "mom/wife" stuff by myself...it's the constant waiting around for him to "help" more and always feeling disappointed. this is NOT because he doesn't help me (he does all the laundry :) )...it's because i have these vague expectations of what he is "supposed" to do. because it's 2013 and isn't everything 50/50 now?

it's the not knowing what my role is and what is expected of me that is making this even harder than it should be. since i don't know what is expected of me, i can't possibly know what i expect of him....all i know is that if i don't logically define what i need from him, he will constantly be letting me down without even knowing it. thus begins the cycle of him thinking he's being helpful, me not really acknowledging his help because i'm still bitter about all the OTHER things he's not doing, then us both shutting down.

The talk we finally had that helped break this cycle was me asking him to acknowledge that even when he was home....it was not 50/50. i am fine with being the stay at home parent and actually enjoy it most of the time, but the more he acted like he contributed 50%, the more frustrated i got.

i am aware that our roles will change over the course of time as our kids grow, and that maybe 50/50 will someday be a possibility....but regardless, that talk was the first step in helping define our roles as parents and creating even the tiniest bit of structure in our day to day.

PS: ( during this struggle of expectations i was reading "I'd Trade My Husband For A Housekeeper: loving marriage after baby carriage". The title sounds like it's talking down about husbands but its actually the opposite. it is the only book i have read so far that i really connected with. and it is what pushed me to talk to him about everything i was feeling and helped me stop resenting him all the time).