I have had a really good week....I'm going to the Y four days a week, rotating between running/weights, yoga, cycling, and zumba. i've also been going to trader joe's at the beginning of the week and buying groceries for the week and semi-planning meals. if you know me...this is a big deal. i have been trying to put more effort into planning daytime dates with people whether its with another mom or just meeting a friend for coffee. so i have felt pretty good. but that feeling never seems to stay around for too long.
It's like i only have 2 settings now....ON and OFF. if i'm ON i feel really motivated and positive and i feel like super mom who's got it all together. but in reality even that version of me is hanging by a thread. so any hiccup or glitch in my day (i.e.. bad weather, not enough money, no one available to meet up or hang) has the potential to make me turn OFF.
when i am OFF i become my old self. I look at my new mom routine from the outside and wonder what the hell happened to my life. typically I am ok with the fact that I can't go out to parties anymore but this week there was one party in particular that i wanted to go to and it didn't work out. It's one thing to see pictures of friends out and having fun but its even worse when the party they are at is one that your own husband is throwing. and in this town...he throws most of the parties.
i have also been struggling this week with feeling like i don't belong anywhere. i don't belong with my single friends anymore, but i also don't really belong in the mom world yet either.
anyways...it all just makes me feel lonely and overwhelmed with how eternal this whole parenthood thing is. hopefully the longer i am a parent..my old self and new self will slowly merge into one self and it won't feel like i'm faking it sometimes. hopefully someday there won't be and ON and OFF. there will just be me.
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