My life has felt too busy to have time to my own thoughts. We are moving this week and there is much to be done.
I don't have much to say at the moment except that something I keep thinking about is how much surrender it requires to be a mom. That word, surrender, will always be a biblical word to me. The song "I Surrender All" is what immediately comes to mind.
I think about how much I have had to let go and surrender to this new role and how much of a battle it was. And it makes me realize that if this is what the struggle of surrender feels like....have i ever really surrendered to God? With all of me? At my own will?
Sure i have had some rock bottoms where there seems to be no where else to turn, but those times often come in phases and heal with time. Choosing to be a mother....that is a lifetimes worth of surrender. Believe me, I'm thrilled to be forced into becoming a more selfless person. But that's just it...i feel i have no choice but to step up to the plate. With God, I will always have a choice. And I fear I will always make the wrong one, or the easy one, or whatever. you get the point.
that's all i got today.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
just the way God intended
For me, 3 months was the length of the first big hurdle. I feel like it took me 3 months to fall in love with her and stop fighting my new role as a mother. I began to feel like I was getting the hang of things...that is until I realized I had been so focused on my relationship with Eva that I had not even begun to address my new parental relationship with my husband. This phase is where I am currently.
Its just...so hard.
In my mind I visualized that creating a family would be a beautiful add-on to what we had already established as a couple. And in many, many ways that 11 years we had alone together has been crucial to surviving. But I had no idea how much it would feel as though we are starting over...from square one. How to communicate, how to be intimate, learning a new level of patience and selflessness. There is so little left over for each other at the end of the day. Both of you are exhausted and on edge and both of you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility in completely different ways.
One of the main things that has helped us not destroy one another is our agreement to stop comparing our situations.
It didn't take very long, ( a comment here, a comment there) for us to realize that we would never understand what the other person was going through. I don't understand the pressure of being financially responsible for a family, he doesn't understand the pressure of her relying on me for every meal, he thinks he is more tired because he works on top of helping with her while he is home, i think I'm more tired because i feel so mentally drained from how my whole world has changed...not to mention the physical and mental recovery of how I feel about my body.
So we agreed... to try and never compare who is more tired, who has had the harder day, etc. Otherwise we will be having that argument for the rest of our lives...with no closure.
Another misleading expectation I had about what "family life" looks like, is two people working together to raise their children. Although that will be the case somewhere down the road, it certainly is not the case in the beginning. While you imagine being on the same team with your spouse, in reality, the two of you are just taking shifts. He has her, then i have her, then he has her, then i have her. There are few moments when you feel that you are both putting in the same amount of effort at the same time.
One of those moments for me was Eva getting the flu. As sad as it was watching her be sick with a high fever and runny nose....it was the first time I really felt like a family. We both equally put everything on hold to take care of our little girl. and it was beautiful.
its amazing how helping someone in need immediately frees you from your own worries and fears. like a new-found energy that comes out of nowhere just when you think you're running on empty......what a beautiful thing....just the way God intended.
Its just...so hard.
In my mind I visualized that creating a family would be a beautiful add-on to what we had already established as a couple. And in many, many ways that 11 years we had alone together has been crucial to surviving. But I had no idea how much it would feel as though we are starting over...from square one. How to communicate, how to be intimate, learning a new level of patience and selflessness. There is so little left over for each other at the end of the day. Both of you are exhausted and on edge and both of you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility in completely different ways.
One of the main things that has helped us not destroy one another is our agreement to stop comparing our situations.
It didn't take very long, ( a comment here, a comment there) for us to realize that we would never understand what the other person was going through. I don't understand the pressure of being financially responsible for a family, he doesn't understand the pressure of her relying on me for every meal, he thinks he is more tired because he works on top of helping with her while he is home, i think I'm more tired because i feel so mentally drained from how my whole world has changed...not to mention the physical and mental recovery of how I feel about my body.
So we agreed... to try and never compare who is more tired, who has had the harder day, etc. Otherwise we will be having that argument for the rest of our lives...with no closure.
Another misleading expectation I had about what "family life" looks like, is two people working together to raise their children. Although that will be the case somewhere down the road, it certainly is not the case in the beginning. While you imagine being on the same team with your spouse, in reality, the two of you are just taking shifts. He has her, then i have her, then he has her, then i have her. There are few moments when you feel that you are both putting in the same amount of effort at the same time.
One of those moments for me was Eva getting the flu. As sad as it was watching her be sick with a high fever and runny nose....it was the first time I really felt like a family. We both equally put everything on hold to take care of our little girl. and it was beautiful.
its amazing how helping someone in need immediately frees you from your own worries and fears. like a new-found energy that comes out of nowhere just when you think you're running on empty......what a beautiful thing....just the way God intended.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
a necessary balance
I can pinpoint the exact moment I finally felt like a mom. She was nearly 3 months old...i was sitting in bed feeding her. For those of you who don't know, newborns almost always eat with their eyes closed. I was working on my computer while she ate and happened to glance down at her. Naturally, i expected for her to be practically asleep.
I quickly glanced down and caught her, wide-eyed, staring right at me...just watching me. She had never stared at me before like that...holding her gaze. For the first time I felt like she knew me... recognized me and was fascinated by me. We just sat there exploring each others faces, keeping eye contact for what felt like forever while tears ran down my cheeks. It was such an overwhelming moment...to feel like a mom for the first time.
I had struggled for the first 2 months feeling like I was faking motherhood. Hearing the words "my daughter" leaving my lips felt like a foreign language. I kept wondering when the whole thing was gonna sink in. After she stared at me that night, I realized that it wasn't gonna be until she acknowledged me as her mom that i would ever feel like a mom.
I realized that one of the reasons the first 3 months were so difficult, was due to the fact that I defined myself according to how she saw me. When I was simply a source of food for her, that's what I felt like. I felt nothing but used up. At 3 months when she began to make eye contact and follow me across the room, i slowly began to feel noticed. Its amazing how much my feelings toward her changed once I felt noticed and important to her. I mattered. The more interactive she became, the more I started falling in love with her.
Its amazing how even with a baby....our need for the balance of a giving/receiving relationship is so necessary in order to be happy.
I quickly glanced down and caught her, wide-eyed, staring right at me...just watching me. She had never stared at me before like that...holding her gaze. For the first time I felt like she knew me... recognized me and was fascinated by me. We just sat there exploring each others faces, keeping eye contact for what felt like forever while tears ran down my cheeks. It was such an overwhelming moment...to feel like a mom for the first time.
I had struggled for the first 2 months feeling like I was faking motherhood. Hearing the words "my daughter" leaving my lips felt like a foreign language. I kept wondering when the whole thing was gonna sink in. After she stared at me that night, I realized that it wasn't gonna be until she acknowledged me as her mom that i would ever feel like a mom.
I realized that one of the reasons the first 3 months were so difficult, was due to the fact that I defined myself according to how she saw me. When I was simply a source of food for her, that's what I felt like. I felt nothing but used up. At 3 months when she began to make eye contact and follow me across the room, i slowly began to feel noticed. Its amazing how much my feelings toward her changed once I felt noticed and important to her. I mattered. The more interactive she became, the more I started falling in love with her.
Its amazing how even with a baby....our need for the balance of a giving/receiving relationship is so necessary in order to be happy.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
so much change in a single moment
A huge factor that has made early motherhood more difficult than expected, is breastfeeding. I knew that breastfeeding had the potential to be very challenging...but I only considered the physical challenges. Once I got in to the groove of things...no cracked nipples, she latched well, etc..I thought the toughest was behind me. Twas not the case.
I envied the freedom that my husband had...being able to get out of the house without having to give a second thought to her eating schedule, when it seemed as though that's what my entire life revolved around. I felt so attached to her, like I could never escape. And if I really wanted a break I had to plan a bottle and make time to pump an extra feeding. Often I wouldn't take opportunities to go out because it seemed like more work to figure out a bottle. It also made me feel more alone in my responsibility for her....i felt like i carried more because at the end of the day, it all falls on me. she relies on ME.
I gave myself the goal of 6 months...and literally the only thing keeping me motivated is losing weight. Apparently you burn the most fat from breastfeeding from 3-6 months. I remind myself of this constantly. I'm at around 4 and a half months at the moment, and I will say, its gotten easier. due mostly to my acceptance of it.
The first 3 months were so difficult for me because it was a constant battle between who I was and who I am now supposed to be. I have never experienced such drastic change before. Its amazing how life and death are so similar in that sense. So much change over the course of a single moment. I found myself angry a lot and I couldn't figure out how to explain why. Then I realized...I was in a huge fight..with myself. Even acknowledging why i was angry was so helpful. Realizing that it makes sense to be angry. To be at odds with myself. My life had changed completely overnight and it was going to take some time to really let go of the control i used to have over my every day. i was officially on the path to becoming less selfish and i was not going down without a fight.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
a new kind of everything
The first two weeks of motherhood were magic. My mom, dad and sister traded off shifts, cooking me food, cleaning my house, holding her, changing her. And the drugs....the sweet sweet drugs, enable you to fall into the deepest sleep effortlessly. I would wake up after 30 minutes feeling as though I had been asleep for days.
It was probably around weeks 3-4 that reality began to set in. Honestly I'm glad I journaled a bit about it because its hard to remember what I felt like.
(I'm pretty positive God makes you forget the hard stuff...otherwise no one would have more than one kid.)
Without constant help I found myself getting frustrated with her very easily. This was always immediately followed by guilt and feeling like a failure. As a woman I think it's easy to feel like motherhood should come naturally and that it should be very fulfilling. Don't get me wrong...it IS fulfilling...but more in spurts more than a constant stream. I quickly realized that my love for her would not just appear overnight as i had expected, but that this was going to be gradual. As normal as I know that is, it made it harder watching my husband be head over heels for her immediately. He couldn't wait to spend time with her, and I couldn't wait to get away from her. I found myself building up of this resentment towards her. A big step for me was admitting that although I was not crying all the time...that didn't mean I wasn't dealing with PPD. It has many faces. Sneaky faces.
A huge issue for me was that I could not put words to what I was feeling. Therefore I didn't know how to talk to anybody about it. But that's just it....how do you put words to feelings that you've never had before? i was expecting to feel a new kind of love, but did not anticipate that almost everything i felt would be new as well.
It was probably around weeks 3-4 that reality began to set in. Honestly I'm glad I journaled a bit about it because its hard to remember what I felt like.
(I'm pretty positive God makes you forget the hard stuff...otherwise no one would have more than one kid.)
Without constant help I found myself getting frustrated with her very easily. This was always immediately followed by guilt and feeling like a failure. As a woman I think it's easy to feel like motherhood should come naturally and that it should be very fulfilling. Don't get me wrong...it IS fulfilling...but more in spurts more than a constant stream. I quickly realized that my love for her would not just appear overnight as i had expected, but that this was going to be gradual. As normal as I know that is, it made it harder watching my husband be head over heels for her immediately. He couldn't wait to spend time with her, and I couldn't wait to get away from her. I found myself building up of this resentment towards her. A big step for me was admitting that although I was not crying all the time...that didn't mean I wasn't dealing with PPD. It has many faces. Sneaky faces.
A huge issue for me was that I could not put words to what I was feeling. Therefore I didn't know how to talk to anybody about it. But that's just it....how do you put words to feelings that you've never had before? i was expecting to feel a new kind of love, but did not anticipate that almost everything i felt would be new as well.
Monday, January 7, 2013
From the beginning...
Although my little one is 4 months old now, there is much to be said about the beginning.
I am by no means an organized, anal, or type A person...however I tried very hard to be as emotionally prepared for this baby as possible. Worried that I would fall into PPD easily, I spent several weeks during my pregnancy grieving the loss of what would change after her arrival. Coming to terms with how my friendships would change, how my marriage would change, how my body would change, etc...I thought that if I got it all out of my system in the beginning...then all I would feel when she arrived would be love. Overwhelming, endless, blinding love.
I pictured her birth so many times in my head...the anticipation, Jeremy and I weeping as the doctor handed her to me. Everytime I would imagine it, I would cry...especially during the last trimester. Naturally.
The actual moment in no way was a let down..but it was very different than I had imagined it to be. It was all too much in the beginning. Too much for me to comprehend. Too much for me to take in. It's like everyone in the movies has this amazing awareness that they just had a baby. As if that's a simple/normal thing for your brain to compute. My brain would have exploded had I not been in so much shock. Thank goodness you have nurses and drugs and family to help ease you from your shock into your reality.
But not to fret, Jeremy and I finally had our moment, the one I pictured in my head for so long, late into the first evening after all the guests had left. He was holding her and we both broke down and it was one of the best moments of my like, however I didn't know I would be eating unnecessarily juicy hospital broccoli at the time....therefore my crying was extra messy and we found ourselves enveloped in the perfectly harmonious cycle of crying and laughing. I could have lived in that moment for weeks.
I am by no means an organized, anal, or type A person...however I tried very hard to be as emotionally prepared for this baby as possible. Worried that I would fall into PPD easily, I spent several weeks during my pregnancy grieving the loss of what would change after her arrival. Coming to terms with how my friendships would change, how my marriage would change, how my body would change, etc...I thought that if I got it all out of my system in the beginning...then all I would feel when she arrived would be love. Overwhelming, endless, blinding love.
I pictured her birth so many times in my head...the anticipation, Jeremy and I weeping as the doctor handed her to me. Everytime I would imagine it, I would cry...especially during the last trimester. Naturally.
The actual moment in no way was a let down..but it was very different than I had imagined it to be. It was all too much in the beginning. Too much for me to comprehend. Too much for me to take in. It's like everyone in the movies has this amazing awareness that they just had a baby. As if that's a simple/normal thing for your brain to compute. My brain would have exploded had I not been in so much shock. Thank goodness you have nurses and drugs and family to help ease you from your shock into your reality.
But not to fret, Jeremy and I finally had our moment, the one I pictured in my head for so long, late into the first evening after all the guests had left. He was holding her and we both broke down and it was one of the best moments of my like, however I didn't know I would be eating unnecessarily juicy hospital broccoli at the time....therefore my crying was extra messy and we found ourselves enveloped in the perfectly harmonious cycle of crying and laughing. I could have lived in that moment for weeks.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
here goes nothin
i suppose i should begin by explaining why this blog exists in the first place.
i am a new mom.
i have been thrust into a world where everything is new at every turn and journaling (when i manage to find time) is no longer enough. i have become so overwhelmed with this role that i wonder how every new mom doesn't see a therapist just to have someone to spill all their thoughts onto. oh that's right...there's no time! As much as I hope this will be an avenue for me to untangle the chaos in my brain, my goal for this blog is to hopefully help other new moms navigate their way through first-time motherhood as well. real motherhood. not the romanticized version of motherhood.
so that's what i'm doing here.
"motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. nothing else will ever make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite so hard as helping a person develop his own individuality, especially while you struggle to keep your own."
-marguerite kelly & elia parsons
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