so much change in a single moment

A huge factor that has made early motherhood more difficult than expected, is breastfeeding. I knew that breastfeeding had the potential to be very challenging...but I only considered the physical challenges. Once I got in to the groove of things...no cracked nipples, she latched well, etc..I thought the toughest was behind me. Twas not the case.

I envied the freedom that my husband had...being able to get out of the house without having to give a second thought to her eating schedule, when it seemed as though that's what my entire life revolved around. I felt so attached to her, like I could never escape. And if I really wanted a break I had to plan a bottle and make time to pump an extra feeding. Often I wouldn't take opportunities to go out because it seemed like more work to figure out a bottle. It also made me feel more alone in my responsibility for her....i felt like i carried more because at the end of the day, it all falls on me. she relies on ME. 

I gave myself the goal of 6 months...and literally the only thing keeping me motivated is losing weight. Apparently you burn the most fat from breastfeeding from 3-6 months. I remind myself of this constantly. I'm at around 4 and a half months at the moment, and I will say, its gotten easier. due mostly to my acceptance of it.

The first 3 months were so difficult for me because it was a constant battle between who I was and who I am now supposed to be. I have never experienced such drastic change before. Its amazing how life and death are so similar in that sense. So much change over the course of a single moment. I found myself angry a lot and I couldn't figure out how to explain why. Then I realized...I was in a huge fight..with myself. Even acknowledging why i was angry was so helpful. Realizing that it makes sense to be angry. To be at odds with myself. My life had changed completely overnight and it was going to take some time to really let go of the control i used to have over my every day. i was officially on the path to becoming less selfish and i was not going down without a fight.