a necessary balance

I can pinpoint the exact moment I finally felt like a mom. She was nearly 3 months old...i was sitting in bed feeding her. For those of you who don't know, newborns almost always eat with their eyes closed. I was working on my computer while she ate and happened to glance down at her. Naturally,  i expected for her to be practically asleep.

I quickly glanced down and caught her, wide-eyed,  staring right at me...just watching me. She had never stared at me before like that...holding her gaze. For the first time I felt like she knew me... recognized me and was fascinated by me. We just sat there exploring each others faces, keeping eye contact for what felt like forever while tears ran down my cheeks. It was such an overwhelming moment...to feel like a mom for the first time.

I had struggled for the first 2 months feeling like I was faking motherhood. Hearing the words "my daughter" leaving my lips felt like a foreign language. I kept wondering when the whole thing was gonna sink in. After she stared at me that night, I realized that it wasn't gonna be until she acknowledged me as her mom that i would ever feel like a mom.

I realized that one of the reasons the first 3 months were so difficult, was due to the fact that I defined myself according to how she saw me. When I was simply a source of food for her, that's what I felt like. I felt nothing but used up. At 3 months when she began to make eye contact and follow me across the room, i slowly began to feel noticed. Its amazing how much my feelings toward her changed once I felt noticed and important to her. I mattered. The more interactive she became, the more I started falling in love with her.

Its amazing how even with a baby....our need for the balance of a giving/receiving relationship is so necessary in order to be happy.