From the beginning...

Although my little one is 4 months old now, there is much to be said about the beginning.

 I am by no means an organized, anal, or type A person...however I tried very hard to be as emotionally prepared for this baby as possible. Worried that I would fall into PPD easily, I spent several weeks during my pregnancy grieving the loss of what would change after her arrival. Coming to terms with how my friendships would change, how my marriage would change, how my body would change, etc...I thought that if I got it all out of my system in the beginning...then all I would feel when she arrived would be love. Overwhelming, endless, blinding love.

I pictured her birth so many times in my head...the anticipation, Jeremy and I weeping as the doctor handed her to me. Everytime I would imagine it, I would cry...especially during the last trimester. Naturally.

 The actual moment in no way was a let down..but it was very different than I had imagined it to be. It was all too much in the beginning. Too much for me to comprehend. Too much for me to take in. It's like everyone in the movies has this amazing awareness that they just had a baby. As if that's a simple/normal thing for your brain to compute. My brain would have exploded had I not been in so much shock. Thank goodness you have nurses and drugs and family to help ease you from your shock into your reality.

But not to fret, Jeremy and I finally had our moment, the one I pictured in my head for so long, late into the first evening after all the guests had left. He was holding her and we both broke down and it was one of the best moments of my like, however I didn't know I would be eating unnecessarily juicy hospital broccoli at the time....therefore my crying was extra messy and we found ourselves enveloped in the perfectly harmonious cycle of crying and laughing. I could have lived in that moment for weeks.