welcome

....and just like that, there are 4 new little ones in the world...WELCOME! Larkin, Silas, Piper and Arie. My heart gets really full when I think of these new moms and their upcoming journey's, each of them in their own unique circumstances and each one of them more than capable of being amazing mothers.

So let's all raise a glass...

And I pray for extra doses of energy and availability to lend a hand, an ear, or whatever is needed for these lovely ladies.

but for now

I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm finally feeling overwhelmed..in a good way. Watching her become her own person, watching her learn things, making her belly laugh, all her new facial expressions. It's just....so overwhelming and the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

What makes it the best, though, is that I finally feel like we are a family. We have a routine, we feel comfortable, there's no more unspoken frustration that i feel is dividing us. I know that it's not just gonna be a cake walk from now on, but for now...I'm happy. Motherhood is finally beginning to feel like what I had pictured it to be in my dreams. I am just...so in love with her.

Anywho...just thought that after months of talking about how hard everything has been, this blog deserved a silver lining post.

Maybe all of the above

My sister has a blog. Jwbcounseling.blogspot.com. I never think to keep up with it ( sorry Jenny) but today I ran across one her posts on Facebook and I really related to it. It was all about creativity and how the lack of it turns into anger, rage, and sometimes shame. It makes me wonder how much of my anger the first six months of motherhood was due to the lack of time for creativity in my life.

My current dilemma is that I have these windows of free time while she is playing or napping that I have no idea how to fill. I need to find a creative project to work on that won't won't frustrate me when is inevitably interrupted. I have always defined myself as being creative. But I'm realizing more and more how terrible I am at it. I know that the process is the most important part, but I get so focused and overwhelmed by the need to know the final product that I never even start. I have an idea and that's as far as it goes. It makes me wonder...I always defined myself as being laid back and go-with-the-flow, but I love structure. I like having a plan and knowing where things are headed. Does that mean I'm neither creative or laid back? Maybe i have just been defining myself the way I WISH I saw myself..how I want others to see me. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. Maybe I'm just having to redefine myself now that I am a mom.

Maybe all of the above.

Well that's quite a bit of food for my thoughts. How do I teach myself to be creative after thinking I've been creative my whole life? It's like needing to take a 101 class when you thought you already graduated. If someone is giving free lessons, let me know.

Y or die

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this in any previous post....but just a note to all new moms or soon-to-be new moms.....the YMCA is your best friend!! It gets you out of the house, it gives you a free babysitter for up to 2 hours, and you leave feeling better about yourself for working out. For me, even if my husband was watching her for a bit so I could get a break, I still felt rushed as if I was about to get a text asking how much longer I was gonna be. With the nursery at the Y, I didn't have to feel guilty like they were doing me a huge favor by watching my kid. That's what they are there for. I can't tell you how good it felt to not have that burden hanging on my shoulders.

I've taken yoga in the past and always enjoyed it but I definitely always thought it was kind of cheesy. The way they talk and all the stuff they say while they try and get you to relax at the beginning and end of class.....but once I had that baby, man. It was like they were talking to me! "try and focus on why you are here today", " this is about YOU", "let go of the stresses of your day and find some inner peace". I turned into a total sap, eating up everything they said.

Originally I started going just to make myself stretch and loosen up because i was so tight everywhere. Little did I know how much it would help me on an emotional level. It was the only time of my day/week where I honestly felt like it was about me again. Even if only for an hour. And it was refreshing being in a place where no one knew I had a baby....I could just be me without anyone asking me how the baby is doing. Those small breaks you can get in the beginning are so important. I often wouldn't want to take them because I wouldn't want to miss a feeding and have to use a bottle that I had tried so hard to get as back up. It felt like a waste. At one point I told my husband that even if I said I didn't want to get out of the house, that he had to make me.

Anyways, this was all more relevant when she was about 3-6 moths old. However I still make myself go to the Y at least 3 times a week. I decided that if I was going to start having a plan for my day/week, it was going to have to revolve around something more than my baby's schedule. Something that helped ME, that was important to ME and my well being. Something to keep me sane. It has been the escape I so desperately needed along with jump starting me into losing all this baby weight. WIN/WIN!

babies, babies, and more babies!

It is insane the number of people I know that are currently pregnant. 4 of which are due in the next 3 weeks. I have been trying to host small get-togethers so that they can all meet each-other. I didn't have any pregnant friends while I was, so I thought it would be helpful for them to know not just other moms, but other women going through the same thing at the same time.

I was reading through old blogs today and it was blowing my mind how much I'm really starting to forget about how hard the first 6 months were. It's not that I don't remember, it's more like I can't emotionally relate to it anymore. When I was in the middle of it, I had never experienced anything so all-consuming. Now that I am about to have so many moms with newborns around...I find myself feeling some of that heaviness in anticipation for what they are all about to experience.

I am overwhelmed by my desire to help them in any way I can. To be a support system physically, emotionally, and mentally. I haven't felt this passionate about something in a long time. Not to mention my excitement for finally having some (new) mom friends!!

So i dedicate this post to all the ladies I know about to pop these little ones out: Margaret, Emily, Deanna, Whitney, Paige, Tamara, Liz...and Stephanie ( who's little one is only a couple weeks old)! I can't wait to share in this journey with all of you and please please please let me help you in any way I can.

Love to all.

the calm

well, things have been pretty quiet. no recent meltdowns or epiphanies.

i am, however, falling more and more in love with her. i feel like i have finally reached the place where i genuinely love spending time with her...all my time. i find myself, less and less, needing to escape it all. that feels good. i was worried for a while that i might be missing that mom gene.

she is very close to crawling so in a way i feel like this is the calm before the next big transition. therefore i'm trying to really enjoy these last weeks without her being mobile because i know that will come with a whole set of new challenges.

the first 6 months were so non-stop overwhelming that it's been really nice to have down time. from 7-8 months i feel like i had time to ease into a comfort zone a little bit and reboot.

we have had 3 nights now where she has spent the night with my in-laws, so that's been really nice...just to have that as an option. the only struggle with that is trying not to have crazy expectations. I subconsciously decide that any night away from her has to be the best night of my life, which is ridiculous. but it just happens and often i end up going to bed a little disappointed. obviously the more i am able to go out the less of a rarity it will be and my expectations will adjust.

warm weather pleeaase get here!

I have never in my life been more ready for Spring. And I think it's finally here to stay!! It has been so hard to find (free) things to do as a family. When my husband is home, it's hard for him to relax and have quality time with us at the house because he can't jolt himself out of "work mode". And it's so easy to just turn the TV on.

I could feel myself reaching a wall last week...but then the weekend got here and we spent Friday and Saturday outside, going on walks, etc and it was exactly what I needed.

My biggest fear at the moment, and something that I have said to my husband is that, I fear when he gets overwhelmed and stressed out (work-related), we won't be on his list of escape options. I fear his initial desire will be to get out of the house and need space. Don't get me wrong, I am all about giving him some space when he needs it....but when he's just stressed out about work or finances, I want him to see spending time with us as a release from all that. I want us to feel part of the solution, not the problem. I don't want to feel lumped into his obligations.

Anyways, I'm hoping that this warm weather will open up those doors that enable us to spend more time together without a computer of TV around. More time spent getting exercise and having conversations.