I am now at the 6 month mark....which i feel like was another big hurdle. maybe there is just a hurdle every 3 months? The 6 month mark has been a big step for me in multiple ways.
First of all...I have reached my breastfeeding goal! i thought i would maybe go longer depending on how i felt...but i honestly think that because i was anticipating being done, my body has literally stopped producing milk without me even trying. it's so insane how our minds can create a physical reaction.
Secondly, I have finally started to voice some of my struggles to Jeremy. I don't know why it has been so difficult to do that. Worst case scenario is that we will fight, which isn't the end of the world, so i don't know why I've been filled with so much fear about it. I do hate confrontation. I have to realize that ANY communication is better than no communication at all. Although the talks may have been rocky...it was a huge relief to break that barrier of pretending to be content with the way things were.
I had been not only planning my day around Eva but him as well, and at the end of the day i would feel angry and depressed for not having done anything fun or productive. I had this fear that if I didn't spend time with him at home while he was working, that we would never see each other. Our talk enabled him to give me his full support that I should plan my day with her in a way that brings me joy and that I have to trust that when he can, he will make it a priority to participate.
These last 3 months have really hammered into me how important it is to keep talking to each other. no matter what. what you have to say may be trivial, it may be wrong, it may be hurtful, but keeping it all in creates a gap between the two of you that over time will grow wider and wider.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
great expectations
sometimes i feel trapped in a pit of resentment....which i have read is extremely common. lately it has made me furious how different men and women are. and it becomes easy to forget the ways we are compatible.
being a mom, i live in the day to day...he is thinking and planning for the future.
this concept is supposed to feel balanced...and i know that i need someone to be looking out for the future of my family. that is his role. and a role i am grateful for. but sometimes it makes me feel so separate from him, living in a completely different world. and because of that, motherhood can seem like a very lonely place sometimes.
i had this expectation that having a baby would inevitably change the way we do things...equally. but there are things that she needs from me, she is more reliant on me...therefore i have had to make much more drastic changes to my life. as hard as that is, it's a baby...an innocent outside source that is giving me no choice but to adjust. i can't really direct any anger towards her for that.
what i'm trying to say is that i thought we would both have to adjust our lives for her...when in reality i'm adjusting my life for her and he is adjusting his life more for me. this isn't a negative thing necessarily, i just hate that i feel like the bad guy. she was supposed to be the bad guy. i have to be the one to ask him to change things and vocalize what i need from him. so if he gets frustrated, i'm the one it is directed at because i'm the one asking for it. i didn't think I would be the one having to turn his world upside down...
Sunday, February 3, 2013
now and then
no new revelations to point out at the moment, but i'm afraid if i don't keep up with posting then i'll eventually quit.
so i thought i could inform you a little about my story.
I married my next door neighbor whom i met when i was 17. We were married by the time i was 22. and i was pregnant by 27. My husband is a DJ. He didn't become a DJ until the first year or so into being married. Needless to say, that made for an interesting and quite adventure-filled marriage. Extreme highs and extreme lows....which i would say is an accurate definition of any marriage.
2008-2012 was a continuous series of late nights full of friends, dancing, sweating, drinking, and terrible 3am food choices. It was fun...and exhausting and after a while we were ready for the next thing. "Ready" being the operative word. I knew I would never really be ready for a kid so we just rolled the dice and waited to see what would happen.
I found out I was pregnant on December 13th 2012. Even though I knew it was a huge possibility, I was still so shocked when that stick had two lines. I immediately began the long process of preparing for the shift that my life would soon take.....a process i fear i will be in forever.
He is still a DJ and I think will be for some time. I still get to go out every once in a while but of course there is this looming sense of responsibility hanging over me all of the time. Since she is still a baby it's easy to have her on our late night schedule...but it's going to have to change soon and I am currently wondering how all of that is going to work itself out. One day at a time, I guess.
so i thought i could inform you a little about my story.
I married my next door neighbor whom i met when i was 17. We were married by the time i was 22. and i was pregnant by 27. My husband is a DJ. He didn't become a DJ until the first year or so into being married. Needless to say, that made for an interesting and quite adventure-filled marriage. Extreme highs and extreme lows....which i would say is an accurate definition of any marriage.
2008-2012 was a continuous series of late nights full of friends, dancing, sweating, drinking, and terrible 3am food choices. It was fun...and exhausting and after a while we were ready for the next thing. "Ready" being the operative word. I knew I would never really be ready for a kid so we just rolled the dice and waited to see what would happen.
I found out I was pregnant on December 13th 2012. Even though I knew it was a huge possibility, I was still so shocked when that stick had two lines. I immediately began the long process of preparing for the shift that my life would soon take.....a process i fear i will be in forever.
He is still a DJ and I think will be for some time. I still get to go out every once in a while but of course there is this looming sense of responsibility hanging over me all of the time. Since she is still a baby it's easy to have her on our late night schedule...but it's going to have to change soon and I am currently wondering how all of that is going to work itself out. One day at a time, I guess.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
surrender
My life has felt too busy to have time to my own thoughts. We are moving this week and there is much to be done.
I don't have much to say at the moment except that something I keep thinking about is how much surrender it requires to be a mom. That word, surrender, will always be a biblical word to me. The song "I Surrender All" is what immediately comes to mind.
I think about how much I have had to let go and surrender to this new role and how much of a battle it was. And it makes me realize that if this is what the struggle of surrender feels like....have i ever really surrendered to God? With all of me? At my own will?
Sure i have had some rock bottoms where there seems to be no where else to turn, but those times often come in phases and heal with time. Choosing to be a mother....that is a lifetimes worth of surrender. Believe me, I'm thrilled to be forced into becoming a more selfless person. But that's just it...i feel i have no choice but to step up to the plate. With God, I will always have a choice. And I fear I will always make the wrong one, or the easy one, or whatever. you get the point.
that's all i got today.
I don't have much to say at the moment except that something I keep thinking about is how much surrender it requires to be a mom. That word, surrender, will always be a biblical word to me. The song "I Surrender All" is what immediately comes to mind.
I think about how much I have had to let go and surrender to this new role and how much of a battle it was. And it makes me realize that if this is what the struggle of surrender feels like....have i ever really surrendered to God? With all of me? At my own will?
Sure i have had some rock bottoms where there seems to be no where else to turn, but those times often come in phases and heal with time. Choosing to be a mother....that is a lifetimes worth of surrender. Believe me, I'm thrilled to be forced into becoming a more selfless person. But that's just it...i feel i have no choice but to step up to the plate. With God, I will always have a choice. And I fear I will always make the wrong one, or the easy one, or whatever. you get the point.
that's all i got today.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
just the way God intended
For me, 3 months was the length of the first big hurdle. I feel like it took me 3 months to fall in love with her and stop fighting my new role as a mother. I began to feel like I was getting the hang of things...that is until I realized I had been so focused on my relationship with Eva that I had not even begun to address my new parental relationship with my husband. This phase is where I am currently.
Its just...so hard.
In my mind I visualized that creating a family would be a beautiful add-on to what we had already established as a couple. And in many, many ways that 11 years we had alone together has been crucial to surviving. But I had no idea how much it would feel as though we are starting over...from square one. How to communicate, how to be intimate, learning a new level of patience and selflessness. There is so little left over for each other at the end of the day. Both of you are exhausted and on edge and both of you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility in completely different ways.
One of the main things that has helped us not destroy one another is our agreement to stop comparing our situations.
It didn't take very long, ( a comment here, a comment there) for us to realize that we would never understand what the other person was going through. I don't understand the pressure of being financially responsible for a family, he doesn't understand the pressure of her relying on me for every meal, he thinks he is more tired because he works on top of helping with her while he is home, i think I'm more tired because i feel so mentally drained from how my whole world has changed...not to mention the physical and mental recovery of how I feel about my body.
So we agreed... to try and never compare who is more tired, who has had the harder day, etc. Otherwise we will be having that argument for the rest of our lives...with no closure.
Another misleading expectation I had about what "family life" looks like, is two people working together to raise their children. Although that will be the case somewhere down the road, it certainly is not the case in the beginning. While you imagine being on the same team with your spouse, in reality, the two of you are just taking shifts. He has her, then i have her, then he has her, then i have her. There are few moments when you feel that you are both putting in the same amount of effort at the same time.
One of those moments for me was Eva getting the flu. As sad as it was watching her be sick with a high fever and runny nose....it was the first time I really felt like a family. We both equally put everything on hold to take care of our little girl. and it was beautiful.
its amazing how helping someone in need immediately frees you from your own worries and fears. like a new-found energy that comes out of nowhere just when you think you're running on empty......what a beautiful thing....just the way God intended.
Its just...so hard.
In my mind I visualized that creating a family would be a beautiful add-on to what we had already established as a couple. And in many, many ways that 11 years we had alone together has been crucial to surviving. But I had no idea how much it would feel as though we are starting over...from square one. How to communicate, how to be intimate, learning a new level of patience and selflessness. There is so little left over for each other at the end of the day. Both of you are exhausted and on edge and both of you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility in completely different ways.
One of the main things that has helped us not destroy one another is our agreement to stop comparing our situations.
It didn't take very long, ( a comment here, a comment there) for us to realize that we would never understand what the other person was going through. I don't understand the pressure of being financially responsible for a family, he doesn't understand the pressure of her relying on me for every meal, he thinks he is more tired because he works on top of helping with her while he is home, i think I'm more tired because i feel so mentally drained from how my whole world has changed...not to mention the physical and mental recovery of how I feel about my body.
So we agreed... to try and never compare who is more tired, who has had the harder day, etc. Otherwise we will be having that argument for the rest of our lives...with no closure.
Another misleading expectation I had about what "family life" looks like, is two people working together to raise their children. Although that will be the case somewhere down the road, it certainly is not the case in the beginning. While you imagine being on the same team with your spouse, in reality, the two of you are just taking shifts. He has her, then i have her, then he has her, then i have her. There are few moments when you feel that you are both putting in the same amount of effort at the same time.
One of those moments for me was Eva getting the flu. As sad as it was watching her be sick with a high fever and runny nose....it was the first time I really felt like a family. We both equally put everything on hold to take care of our little girl. and it was beautiful.
its amazing how helping someone in need immediately frees you from your own worries and fears. like a new-found energy that comes out of nowhere just when you think you're running on empty......what a beautiful thing....just the way God intended.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
a necessary balance
I can pinpoint the exact moment I finally felt like a mom. She was nearly 3 months old...i was sitting in bed feeding her. For those of you who don't know, newborns almost always eat with their eyes closed. I was working on my computer while she ate and happened to glance down at her. Naturally, i expected for her to be practically asleep.
I quickly glanced down and caught her, wide-eyed, staring right at me...just watching me. She had never stared at me before like that...holding her gaze. For the first time I felt like she knew me... recognized me and was fascinated by me. We just sat there exploring each others faces, keeping eye contact for what felt like forever while tears ran down my cheeks. It was such an overwhelming moment...to feel like a mom for the first time.
I had struggled for the first 2 months feeling like I was faking motherhood. Hearing the words "my daughter" leaving my lips felt like a foreign language. I kept wondering when the whole thing was gonna sink in. After she stared at me that night, I realized that it wasn't gonna be until she acknowledged me as her mom that i would ever feel like a mom.
I realized that one of the reasons the first 3 months were so difficult, was due to the fact that I defined myself according to how she saw me. When I was simply a source of food for her, that's what I felt like. I felt nothing but used up. At 3 months when she began to make eye contact and follow me across the room, i slowly began to feel noticed. Its amazing how much my feelings toward her changed once I felt noticed and important to her. I mattered. The more interactive she became, the more I started falling in love with her.
Its amazing how even with a baby....our need for the balance of a giving/receiving relationship is so necessary in order to be happy.
I quickly glanced down and caught her, wide-eyed, staring right at me...just watching me. She had never stared at me before like that...holding her gaze. For the first time I felt like she knew me... recognized me and was fascinated by me. We just sat there exploring each others faces, keeping eye contact for what felt like forever while tears ran down my cheeks. It was such an overwhelming moment...to feel like a mom for the first time.
I had struggled for the first 2 months feeling like I was faking motherhood. Hearing the words "my daughter" leaving my lips felt like a foreign language. I kept wondering when the whole thing was gonna sink in. After she stared at me that night, I realized that it wasn't gonna be until she acknowledged me as her mom that i would ever feel like a mom.
I realized that one of the reasons the first 3 months were so difficult, was due to the fact that I defined myself according to how she saw me. When I was simply a source of food for her, that's what I felt like. I felt nothing but used up. At 3 months when she began to make eye contact and follow me across the room, i slowly began to feel noticed. Its amazing how much my feelings toward her changed once I felt noticed and important to her. I mattered. The more interactive she became, the more I started falling in love with her.
Its amazing how even with a baby....our need for the balance of a giving/receiving relationship is so necessary in order to be happy.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
so much change in a single moment
A huge factor that has made early motherhood more difficult than expected, is breastfeeding. I knew that breastfeeding had the potential to be very challenging...but I only considered the physical challenges. Once I got in to the groove of things...no cracked nipples, she latched well, etc..I thought the toughest was behind me. Twas not the case.
I envied the freedom that my husband had...being able to get out of the house without having to give a second thought to her eating schedule, when it seemed as though that's what my entire life revolved around. I felt so attached to her, like I could never escape. And if I really wanted a break I had to plan a bottle and make time to pump an extra feeding. Often I wouldn't take opportunities to go out because it seemed like more work to figure out a bottle. It also made me feel more alone in my responsibility for her....i felt like i carried more because at the end of the day, it all falls on me. she relies on ME.
I gave myself the goal of 6 months...and literally the only thing keeping me motivated is losing weight. Apparently you burn the most fat from breastfeeding from 3-6 months. I remind myself of this constantly. I'm at around 4 and a half months at the moment, and I will say, its gotten easier. due mostly to my acceptance of it.
The first 3 months were so difficult for me because it was a constant battle between who I was and who I am now supposed to be. I have never experienced such drastic change before. Its amazing how life and death are so similar in that sense. So much change over the course of a single moment. I found myself angry a lot and I couldn't figure out how to explain why. Then I realized...I was in a huge fight..with myself. Even acknowledging why i was angry was so helpful. Realizing that it makes sense to be angry. To be at odds with myself. My life had changed completely overnight and it was going to take some time to really let go of the control i used to have over my every day. i was officially on the path to becoming less selfish and i was not going down without a fight.
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