Treading Water

It's. Been. Too. Long.

I'm already trying to come up with a list of amazing excuses. Here's what I've got so far:
-The summer was just so full of adventure that I just couldn't find time
- The fall is too gorgeous to want to spend any time cooped up inside
-The holidays are always crazy busy with events and parties and hand making all the perfect gifts

Hmmmm. My real list looks something like this:
- the summer was too humid to go outside...and I didn't have the energy to pack for what felt like a weekend to take her to the pool and hope the entire time that she didn't drown.
- the fall was indeed gorgeous and I did spend a lot of time outside...but not for the benefit of my child. It was mostly spent running with the stroller in order to get myself in shape for my childless week in Mexico. But hey, win/win right?
- the holidays WERE crazy busy the week before Christmas while I frantically tried to get last minute gift ideas together. All hand purchased. I spent most of my time before that moping around because I had returned from vacation to freezing weather and darkness by 4:30.

I have this theory that being a stay at home mom can feel like you are constantly trying to keep your head above water. Often if im not feeling like a great mom (play dates, healthy lunches, no screens, one on one quality time, adventures, reading, learning, etc etc etc) i feel like a NOT great mom. I will feel tired, or bored, or lonely, or impatient. I will want her to play by herself so i can stare at my phone some more...and then...I will feel guilty about all of those things. The guilt is the worst. Because the guilt is a lie. I think that's why I'm treading water in the first place....to not let the guilt sink me. And right now....in stupid January (when it's cold and rainy and I feel unmotivated and
trapped in my house)...the water is freezing. And my limbs are slowing down. And the guilt is actually tugging at my leg.

I looked up the word "guilt", wanting to learn more about it since it thinks we are best friends...and it is defined as "the state of one who has done something wrong". It actually caught me off guard....because I don't feel that at all. I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong. So what am I feeling then, I wondered. And I thought...its not that I am doing something wrong, but more that I could be doing it better. Hmmmm....interesting. So I decided to look up the word "better", since it was my NEW best friend. "Comparative of good and well" ..."improve on or surpass (an existing or previous level or achievement)". What i immediately noticed was that the word "better" can't exist without the word "compare". 

In my right mind I know all of this obviously, and in other scenarios comparing yourself and trying to do better can be healthy and beneficial. But studying these words from my current perspective as a mom was eye-opening. I feel like I go out of my way not to read parent magazines or Facebook articles to avoid this exact feeling. I thought I was doing a stellar job not comparing myself to other moms....but I think it's nearly impossible. We seek out so much information as first time parents about breast feeding, vaccinations, co-sleeping, diapering methods, sleep schedules, the best foods, the best schools, ...(this list could go on forever and ever....) hoping for some clarity and guidance and  we leave with a hope and a prayer that we choose all the right things, the best things. We feel discouraged if our initial methods fail or "guilty" if we cave and let them watch too much tv or if we are exhausted and decide to grab fast food instead of cooking, all the while promising ourselves we will make up for it tomorrow. We will be a "better" mom tomorrow. 

Well, I call bullshit. 
You're a mom. That's enough. That's hard enough and amazing enough without adding all the other stuff. They are ours because we are the best-equipped for the job. There is no comparison. So next time I feel like I'm drowning I will recite this to myself and stop trying so hard. I will just let myself sink. We are moms after all, the masters of multi-tasking. I'm pretty sure we can do anything, right? Including breathing under water.

When to let go and when to hold on

Just got home from our first trip to the beach...as parents. Threw all the luggage in the living room, put her to sleep and sunk into my bed. It was wonderful and exhausting. The summer I was pregnant we were at the pool almost every day and I remember someone saying "enjoy closing your eyes!". It's almost impossible to fathom the small things that will become luxuries. All I wanted to do was lay out, take a nap in the sun, do a crossword, read a book....all the things my previous self associated with going to the beach. I was fortunate to have a few of these moments due to the help of my in-laws, but the old me and the new me were at odds with each other most of the time.

It felt very similar to how I would shop for clothes post baby. The autopilot part of my brain would look at medium sized items to try on while the current part of my brain laughed as I tried to squeeze into them. "WAKE UP!!" "This isn't your size anymore!!!" It's like having to retrain yourself. Everything you knew is out the window. I hadn't felt that in a while until this trip. I felt stuck between a relaxing vacation for me as it always had been, and the constantly alert family trip it actually was. This trip was about her. All future family trips will be more about the kids than about us. This isn't a bad thing....just still so different than what I'm used to. It took me a couple days into the trip to stop trying to have it all and let go.....to just enjoy focusing on her and enjoy seeing it all through her eyes. The vastness of the ocean, the sound of the waves as they crash over your toes, getting covered in sand and not caring, the sunset, the fireworks, watching crabs peek out of their shells and slowly march away once they think no one is watching...

I wonder if this struggle will ever go away, if I will ever get used to it...or if the selfish, independent part of me will always put up a fight when it feels threatened. There's a healty boundary in there somewhere. Most of the time motherhood wins and we just have to quit fighting the inevitable and choose to see the beauty of it all...but I also think that there are times we put up a fight because we are so desperately trying to hold on to who we used to be...to not let the important parts of ourselves slip away....because those are the pieces that make us each unique in this world. As mothers, as wives, as sisters, as friends, as daughters and grand-daughters.  Anyone can be a mom....but no one can be you. I suppose the challenge is knowing when to let go and when to hold on.

my future family

I'm reaching the time in my motherhood journey where people begin wondering about baby #2, myself included...The theories running rampant through my thoughts about whats best, whats ideal? Because let's face it, no matter what the topic, those theories are out there. I've known for a while now that I wanted to wait until I was 30, until I had a chance to feel in shape again, etc. So when our friends decided to have a destination wedding in the upcoming fall I felt a weight lifted. I kept telling myself..."now i don't have to think about it until October because I REFUSE to be pregnant on the beach in Mexico!" It felt nice to have an event on the calendar to help narrow down my timeline.

As i was driving home from my sister's house the other night, i was watching her in the back seat. I was confident she would fall asleep since we were already an hour passed her bedtime, but instead i watched her looking out the window....at the street lights, passing cars, trees, buildings....and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, like someone pressing a giant pause button on my heart...

...the truth is, in 10 years, even less, our family will look completely different....and forever. This tiny family of three we have right now will not be how people remember the Todd's. This time of it being just the 3 of us is mere seconds compared to the rest of our lives. And it broke my heart...not necessarily in a sad way, just in a way that made me stop feeling rushed, like if i miss the ideal window to have #2 that i would regret it. It made me so excited about spending another summer with just her...not the newborn version of her where I'm constantly trying to make sure she doesn't overheat and where all the activities we do are simply for my sanity.....but the toddler version of her that will be running around and getting excited and actually sharing in the memories with us.

If anything, it just made me very aware of how small a piece of our life this will be and that I want to soak in every minute of this summer of adventures with my first born...the one who really changed it all, the one who pushed and pulled me in ways I didn't know were possible, the one who changed how i see everything, the one who was here from the beginning as we looked at each other wondering how this whole mother/child relationship was gonna work out.....

yup....i need more time with this one.

my future family...whatever it may look like and however many years apart, and however old i am....will be perfect.

Exhibit A

I hate what a challenge it is to stay consistent with blogging. I hate that it's been almost 2 months since my last post. Since doing the Artist Way I've been writing 3 pages of freehand almost everyday for several months which has somewhat replaced blogging a little. I just finished my third notebook and haven't had a chance to get a new one yet so it's been almost a week since I wrote and I can feel my brain and my heart filling up with no where to spill over. The daily writing has become such a significant part of my day. So that's why I'm here.

I don't even have anything to say really other than I felt the urgent need to be heard, even if by a blank page. I can't stay still, I can't focus. Maybe it's the very little caffeine I had today....maybe it's because I didn't get a good workout in, maybe it's because I'm restless. Restelss because I'm ready to start seeing results...in my body, in my creativity, in my role as a stay at home mom. To clarify, the progress is there and always has been but it's so gradual that it's easy to become impatient. Maybe I'll only feel that today or maybe the rest of the week. It's a constant ebb and flow. Shocker.

I want to be done now because I can't think of anything else to say, but the tugging is still there, that there's a need for something to get out. Possibly the fear that we are quickly approaching the time we will begin discussing baby #2 and I feel very unprepared...or that my best friend is NOT in fact moving back to Nashville and it's completely unfair, or that 4 of my friends have new babies and I'm worried I'll be forgotten...or that I'm turning 30 this summer...or maybe (and most likely) this is just what happens when I don't get it all out on the page daily. No mother should be left alone with her thoughts for more than a couple days. There are a multitude of consequences and this post is Exibit A.

You're welcome.

P.S. Here's a video of an Instagram series I started called #momdiary. Enjoy. If it's works that is, I feel like it's not gonna work. Oh well..

The glider chair

As I rocked her to sleep last night, I felt thankful for the glider chair a friend had handed down to me. I didn't receive it until she was over a year old and wondered if I would even use it that much. Even though it isn't every night, the nights that I do rock her to sleep are quite possibly some of my fullest moments......where there is still and quiet. When it feels like all that exists is my love for her along with the looming heaviness that every time I look down at her she is a little bit older.  Motherhood is like a constant tug-of-war. On one side is the sheer need of just getting through the day while the other side is screaming for time to slow down or God forbid, stand still. Thankfully, rocking her in that chair it feels like God hears my screaming...if only for a second.

I began thinking of the dear friend that gave me the glider and the moments she may have had while rocking her children to sleep. Some full of contentment, some exhausted and weary, some racked with lonlieness, but all beautiful. I looked around my nursery taking in all the things that had been handed down to me from other mothers and it made me so grateful. Not just for the things, but for the constant reminder that these items are filled with other mothers' laughter and tears, other women taking one day at a time, trying to balance it all, trying to be the best, trying to ignore the guilt, trying to have a routine while trying to be flexible, trying to be a constant safe place while trying to be prepared for anything at anytime....a mood change, a blowout, a fall, a choking hazard, a glass of wine being knocked over in slow motion. They've all been there. And when I rock in that glider and take in the walls around me, it makes me feel connected. And when motherhood can feel like an island, that reminder is priceless.

Choice

I feel heavy. Not in a bad way, more in an anxious way....the way that thoughts seem to weigh on your heart rather than your mind. A heaviness that makes me feel like I have something to say.

I am in a battle right now, as this hint of motivation is being challenged by my child's screaming in the next room. She's supposed to be asleep. I can let her get the better of me and douse what tiny creative flame I feel at the moment, or I can push through it, block it out. This, in a nutshell, is one of the biggest barriers as a mother..... to maintain a creative sanctuary within yourself. The longer she cries, the more I feel that welcomed heaviness leaving me.

Before children I had the luxury to let creativity cross my path or hit me in the face whenever it pleased, but now? Now I have to make a conscious choice to act on it. Schedule it, plan it. And that's a battle all on its own. If it's during the day, I can't focus due to the constant possibility of interruption. And at night when she's gone to bed, it takes a mental army to choose reading, writing, or creating above turning on Netflix and zoning out.

She is 16 months tomorrow, and although life seems easier than when she was a baby, it's really just a different version of hard. It's hard to put into words how drained I feel at the end of the day. Even though much of that energy is geared toward having fun with her, its a world where you are constantly on your toes. Never grounded or settled. Waiting for a mood change at any moment, aware of where they are and what they could be getting into at all times. I can never check out or fully devote my thoughts to anything else. So at the end of the day, I feel exhausted without having broken a sweat and completely unaware of the circles I've been running in my head all day. And, in fact, it literally feels like a circle. I am not implying that I am more mentally exhausted than those with insanely intellectual jobs...what I mean is...my brain is currently not receiving a ton of new information. I spend my day pointing at things, repeating words, making animal noises, singing songs. Now don't get me wrong, watching her mind comprehend all these new things I'm teaching her is beyond fascinating and fulfilling, but in a way that is very much about her, about the mother in me. And then there is me....the me that got pushed to the side to make way for this magnificent, joyful, adorable, all-consuming kid. A kid whom I rarely acknowledge my depth of love for because it paralyzes me.

All this to say, if I intend to do the stay-at-home thing for a while, I have got to figure out a way to make room for both of those versions of myself.  So much of my internal struggles lately have all come down to the simple yet excruciatingly difficult act of choice. Choice leaves no more room for denial. Choice leaves you with no scapegoat, no one to blame. Choice is all on you. And that....is terrifying. And vulnerable.

I am going to have to wake up everyday and choose what kind of mom I want to be...and then remind myself every 30 minutes. I keep waiting for my thoughts to catapult me into action, but when my thoughts consist of "what does the puppy say?" or "can you show me purple?", it makes sense that watching 5 episodes of Gossip Girl in a row seems like a step up. In my case, I must act first and pray that some new thought comes from it. Take myself to a museum exhibit, do a crossword puzzle, go on a walk, take a yoga class, go to a park alone and judge other moms (in order to feel better about myself, of course). Anyways, you get the picture.

Well, she stopped crying a while ago. I guess I won.

The four month hiatus

It has been too long. I'm frustrated with myself for not making the time to write. And now so much has happened I find it hard to fill in all the gaps. And I can't even blame it on the baby...well...toddler. I have had time, just no motivation. That's something I wasn't expecting when circumstances allowed me to be stay at home mom. I was never intending to really do the stay at home mom thing but when the option fell in my lap I was excited about it. For about two weeks. It's not her, it's me...I swear. The days run together. I have no structure, no plan. When it is left to me to make that for myself I almost always fail. I am good at being told what to do. Someone give me a task. I need accountability. I'm aware that I can chose to change all these things myself, but sometimes I feel so lost that I don't know how to find my way back to civilization. With every decision I could make, there's 10 excuses to back it up. I thought I would accomplish so much more with her with all the free time I had. But instead I feel guilty for not doing more, not being more creative, watching too much tv, not getting her out of the house enough, not scheduling enough play dates. Not to mention the guilt of not contributing to the finances. Tis motherhood. The guilt that follows you everywhere. I guess I should be giving myself a pat on the back for writing though? It's been almost 4 months so maybe this a step in the right direction.

What has she been up to for the past four months you ask? Well...her crib that once seemed so vast is getting smaller and smaller. I have a little person living with me now. New sounds, new faces. Waving at everyone and anything. Repeating words. Following directions, walking, making animal sounds, throwing tantrums, blowing kisses. I feel like I can see the wheels constantly turning in her mind. It's a fascinating thing to witness. Christmas is around the corner and I cannot wait to watch her open presents and eat grandpas homemade french toast for the first time!

I can't wait to start our own family traditions. Christmas will never be the same. Watching her face light up will be the only thing on my wish list for a while.

The first of the first

Well, it happened. My tiny baby is not a tiny baby anymore. She turned a year old yesterday. The big first. The first of the first. Her party isn't until this weekend but we did go out last night and she opened some presents and ate a cupcake. We spent the morning watching old videos of her being born and our time in the hospital.
Its hard to remember her looking like she did then. Its hard remembering how every little noise she made was the most amazing thing I had ever heard. And now here we are, anticipating her first steps.

I was watching Sex and the City the other night, the one where Miranda's baby turns 1...they were all singing happy birthday and I had a meltdown realizing that I would be singing happy birthday for the first time in my life to my own child. Then I cried the night before yesterday just looking through old pictures of her. Surprisingly yesterday I was a little more emotionally removed. I was also very tired and a tad irritable. But then it snuck up on me again....

I hadn't realized that she would be old enough to actually react to her presents. My in-laws got her a stuffed Lambchop doll that talks. They have the puppet version at their house so she already knows who Lambchop is...I let her pull it out of the bag and she got the biggest smile on her face and then gave him a kiss...then proceeded to use him as a pillow and laid on my chest. I almost died due to my heart exploding out of my chest. I teared up and quickly got it together. The whole restaurant sang happy birthday to her, it was awesome. And then she quickly inhaled the mini (well, 2)..mini cupcakes. It was a good day.

What a bright light she is....to me and the rest of the world. Cannot wait to see what God has in store for her.

Happy First Birthday sweet girl!!! I'm so excited to share in this life journey with you, growing together, molding each other, unconditionally loving one another, butting heads, fighting it out, healing from heart aches, suffering disappointments, seeing the silver linings, and making it to the other side.

In the moment

I'm 5 weeks into The Artist's Way and I feel I've already hit some highs and some lows. I've accomplished some pretty vital tasks such as writing every day, taking time for myself at least once a week to do something I enjoy, and making a creative space for myself in the house....which in turn has helped me make space for myself in my own life. From marriage to motherhood to working, it's taught me that it's okay to be selfish with my solitude...in fact it's necessary. And it's taken a bit to stop feeling guilty about that. It still creeps up every time I go off to have ME time, but I'm getting better at fighting it and feeling confident in my needs.

The lows include anger, shame, sadness, fear. Mostly due to the harsh truth that I've let myself get this far lost from who I really am and what I really love to do. Overwhelming fear of what it's going to take to get back there and what other people will think of me. Disappointment in myself that I care so much what other people will think.

I'm also trying to balance all of this while soaking in Eva's rapid development....not wanting to miss a moment. It feels like every week she's doing something new...making a new noise, having a better understanding when something is funny, realizing different ways her hands can move. It's magical. I need to make a conscious decision to play with her a little more, hold her a little longer before she goes to bed, not be in such a hurry or so worried about the eternal list of things that need to get done... and just live in the moment. And let's be honest....I don't mean all day every day...but making sure it happens at some point every day is a step in the right direction, and God-willing, maybe that will get easier.

the other side

She will turn 1 year old this month. There are no words, really.

I'm running the gamut of emotions.
Denial... disbelief...heartache... joy.... relief.

I feel like her turning a year is like me finally coming up for air. I still have a few pounds I would like to lose, but I can't believe I'm almost to the other side, back to feeling like me again.

Will there ever be a year in my life more significant, more challenging, more beautiful?

The Artists Way

Now that I feel mostly adjusted to the mass amounts of change over the past year....I am ready for more. I just started "The Artist's Way"....for the 2nd time. I received it as a gift almost 4 years ago and was extremely excited about it, but looking back, I was far from being in a good place in life to really pursue and commit to the 12 week study.

Would you believe that I'm actually more nervous about exploring and showing my creative self than i was about becoming a mother? For nearly 10 years I have sat in the shadows watching others do what they love, do what they dream. To this day I have people say..."I had no idea you sing". And every time it's like a slap in the face...me slapping myself in the face. I get nervous singing to my own child, I try to avoid sound-checking my microphone if I can so that no one can hear just MY voice. And I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being scared.

But the scariest part..and maybe the reason that I feel it's time to really work on this, is wondering how much of my own creative struggle and fear will rub off on my child. I know I won't always be the best version of myself for her, but she at least deserves to MEET the happiest version of me. I honestly don't know how I've become so non-chalant about not doing the things that I love for so long.

Hence, why it's time to work on this. I...am...terrified.

separate beings

last week eva and I went on our first adventure. we drove with my parents to Austin....about 14 hours. i thought she did fantastic considering we were able to listen to an entire book on tape without too much interruption. i owe most of the ease to yo gabba gabba. 

she will be 10 months old next week.....how did this happen.

We were in Texas for 6 days and stayed at my brother's house. We were tight on space in the car so I didn't bring her pack n play, she just slept with me on an air mattress. The first night I just lay there next to her...watching her. It was surreal. she wasn't in my arms...she was just her own little person sharing a bed with me. After so many months of her feeling like an appendage, like something physically attached to me...all of the sudden we were separate beings, and i immediately felt an overwhelming need to pull her close to me...to make her one with me again. 

I spent months dreaming of having my personal space again, and now that I have it, it feels like a piece of me is missing.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this feeling will not only remain, but be enhanced by such events as her first day of kindergarten, her first middle school dance, her graduation, her wedding and so on. 

welcome

....and just like that, there are 4 new little ones in the world...WELCOME! Larkin, Silas, Piper and Arie. My heart gets really full when I think of these new moms and their upcoming journey's, each of them in their own unique circumstances and each one of them more than capable of being amazing mothers.

So let's all raise a glass...

And I pray for extra doses of energy and availability to lend a hand, an ear, or whatever is needed for these lovely ladies.

but for now

I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm finally feeling overwhelmed..in a good way. Watching her become her own person, watching her learn things, making her belly laugh, all her new facial expressions. It's just....so overwhelming and the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

What makes it the best, though, is that I finally feel like we are a family. We have a routine, we feel comfortable, there's no more unspoken frustration that i feel is dividing us. I know that it's not just gonna be a cake walk from now on, but for now...I'm happy. Motherhood is finally beginning to feel like what I had pictured it to be in my dreams. I am just...so in love with her.

Anywho...just thought that after months of talking about how hard everything has been, this blog deserved a silver lining post.

Maybe all of the above

My sister has a blog. Jwbcounseling.blogspot.com. I never think to keep up with it ( sorry Jenny) but today I ran across one her posts on Facebook and I really related to it. It was all about creativity and how the lack of it turns into anger, rage, and sometimes shame. It makes me wonder how much of my anger the first six months of motherhood was due to the lack of time for creativity in my life.

My current dilemma is that I have these windows of free time while she is playing or napping that I have no idea how to fill. I need to find a creative project to work on that won't won't frustrate me when is inevitably interrupted. I have always defined myself as being creative. But I'm realizing more and more how terrible I am at it. I know that the process is the most important part, but I get so focused and overwhelmed by the need to know the final product that I never even start. I have an idea and that's as far as it goes. It makes me wonder...I always defined myself as being laid back and go-with-the-flow, but I love structure. I like having a plan and knowing where things are headed. Does that mean I'm neither creative or laid back? Maybe i have just been defining myself the way I WISH I saw myself..how I want others to see me. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. Maybe I'm just having to redefine myself now that I am a mom.

Maybe all of the above.

Well that's quite a bit of food for my thoughts. How do I teach myself to be creative after thinking I've been creative my whole life? It's like needing to take a 101 class when you thought you already graduated. If someone is giving free lessons, let me know.

Y or die

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this in any previous post....but just a note to all new moms or soon-to-be new moms.....the YMCA is your best friend!! It gets you out of the house, it gives you a free babysitter for up to 2 hours, and you leave feeling better about yourself for working out. For me, even if my husband was watching her for a bit so I could get a break, I still felt rushed as if I was about to get a text asking how much longer I was gonna be. With the nursery at the Y, I didn't have to feel guilty like they were doing me a huge favor by watching my kid. That's what they are there for. I can't tell you how good it felt to not have that burden hanging on my shoulders.

I've taken yoga in the past and always enjoyed it but I definitely always thought it was kind of cheesy. The way they talk and all the stuff they say while they try and get you to relax at the beginning and end of class.....but once I had that baby, man. It was like they were talking to me! "try and focus on why you are here today", " this is about YOU", "let go of the stresses of your day and find some inner peace". I turned into a total sap, eating up everything they said.

Originally I started going just to make myself stretch and loosen up because i was so tight everywhere. Little did I know how much it would help me on an emotional level. It was the only time of my day/week where I honestly felt like it was about me again. Even if only for an hour. And it was refreshing being in a place where no one knew I had a baby....I could just be me without anyone asking me how the baby is doing. Those small breaks you can get in the beginning are so important. I often wouldn't want to take them because I wouldn't want to miss a feeding and have to use a bottle that I had tried so hard to get as back up. It felt like a waste. At one point I told my husband that even if I said I didn't want to get out of the house, that he had to make me.

Anyways, this was all more relevant when she was about 3-6 moths old. However I still make myself go to the Y at least 3 times a week. I decided that if I was going to start having a plan for my day/week, it was going to have to revolve around something more than my baby's schedule. Something that helped ME, that was important to ME and my well being. Something to keep me sane. It has been the escape I so desperately needed along with jump starting me into losing all this baby weight. WIN/WIN!

babies, babies, and more babies!

It is insane the number of people I know that are currently pregnant. 4 of which are due in the next 3 weeks. I have been trying to host small get-togethers so that they can all meet each-other. I didn't have any pregnant friends while I was, so I thought it would be helpful for them to know not just other moms, but other women going through the same thing at the same time.

I was reading through old blogs today and it was blowing my mind how much I'm really starting to forget about how hard the first 6 months were. It's not that I don't remember, it's more like I can't emotionally relate to it anymore. When I was in the middle of it, I had never experienced anything so all-consuming. Now that I am about to have so many moms with newborns around...I find myself feeling some of that heaviness in anticipation for what they are all about to experience.

I am overwhelmed by my desire to help them in any way I can. To be a support system physically, emotionally, and mentally. I haven't felt this passionate about something in a long time. Not to mention my excitement for finally having some (new) mom friends!!

So i dedicate this post to all the ladies I know about to pop these little ones out: Margaret, Emily, Deanna, Whitney, Paige, Tamara, Liz...and Stephanie ( who's little one is only a couple weeks old)! I can't wait to share in this journey with all of you and please please please let me help you in any way I can.

Love to all.

the calm

well, things have been pretty quiet. no recent meltdowns or epiphanies.

i am, however, falling more and more in love with her. i feel like i have finally reached the place where i genuinely love spending time with her...all my time. i find myself, less and less, needing to escape it all. that feels good. i was worried for a while that i might be missing that mom gene.

she is very close to crawling so in a way i feel like this is the calm before the next big transition. therefore i'm trying to really enjoy these last weeks without her being mobile because i know that will come with a whole set of new challenges.

the first 6 months were so non-stop overwhelming that it's been really nice to have down time. from 7-8 months i feel like i had time to ease into a comfort zone a little bit and reboot.

we have had 3 nights now where she has spent the night with my in-laws, so that's been really nice...just to have that as an option. the only struggle with that is trying not to have crazy expectations. I subconsciously decide that any night away from her has to be the best night of my life, which is ridiculous. but it just happens and often i end up going to bed a little disappointed. obviously the more i am able to go out the less of a rarity it will be and my expectations will adjust.

warm weather pleeaase get here!

I have never in my life been more ready for Spring. And I think it's finally here to stay!! It has been so hard to find (free) things to do as a family. When my husband is home, it's hard for him to relax and have quality time with us at the house because he can't jolt himself out of "work mode". And it's so easy to just turn the TV on.

I could feel myself reaching a wall last week...but then the weekend got here and we spent Friday and Saturday outside, going on walks, etc and it was exactly what I needed.

My biggest fear at the moment, and something that I have said to my husband is that, I fear when he gets overwhelmed and stressed out (work-related), we won't be on his list of escape options. I fear his initial desire will be to get out of the house and need space. Don't get me wrong, I am all about giving him some space when he needs it....but when he's just stressed out about work or finances, I want him to see spending time with us as a release from all that. I want us to feel part of the solution, not the problem. I don't want to feel lumped into his obligations.

Anyways, I'm hoping that this warm weather will open up those doors that enable us to spend more time together without a computer of TV around. More time spent getting exercise and having conversations.

words of affirmation

So, i think I had a small realization since I wrote last...
well, maybe it's not small?....or i shouldn't downplay it at least.

simply put...my love languages are changing.

Quality time has always been my #1...maybe physical touch coming in 2nd?
 well...there isn't much time for quality time anymore, so i have had to adjust to that. and its hard to want physical touch when you don't feel good about your body.

so at this point, there is a huge gap in me receiving any kind of love that is fulfilling to me. the kind of love that can sustain me through the week and help prevent my massive meltdowns.

Between grocery shopping, planning healthy meals out for the week, cooking, keeping the kitchen clean, working out 4 days a week, planning my mom's 60th birthday party, oh..and raising a baby, I desperately need some acknowledgement as to what a great job I'm doing.

Words of Affirmation has never been high on my list. But I've realized that when I get so upset, it's because in my mind I'm screaming "Look how much I've changed!! Look how much I've given up!! Look how hard I'm trying to get back in shape!!"....I know he knows this and notices it, but I need him to tell me....A LOT.

to his credit, i have made it very clear in the past that words of affirmation was not a big deal to me, so much so that I felt really silly asking for it. I can't tell you how much better I feel when he tells me what an amazing mom/wife/hard worker I am and that he notices. It feels like taking in the deepest breath of fresh air.

i guess it makes sense, though....that when you transition into being a mom and your whole world changes, that the way you give and receive love also changes.