Choice

I feel heavy. Not in a bad way, more in an anxious way....the way that thoughts seem to weigh on your heart rather than your mind. A heaviness that makes me feel like I have something to say.

I am in a battle right now, as this hint of motivation is being challenged by my child's screaming in the next room. She's supposed to be asleep. I can let her get the better of me and douse what tiny creative flame I feel at the moment, or I can push through it, block it out. This, in a nutshell, is one of the biggest barriers as a mother..... to maintain a creative sanctuary within yourself. The longer she cries, the more I feel that welcomed heaviness leaving me.

Before children I had the luxury to let creativity cross my path or hit me in the face whenever it pleased, but now? Now I have to make a conscious choice to act on it. Schedule it, plan it. And that's a battle all on its own. If it's during the day, I can't focus due to the constant possibility of interruption. And at night when she's gone to bed, it takes a mental army to choose reading, writing, or creating above turning on Netflix and zoning out.

She is 16 months tomorrow, and although life seems easier than when she was a baby, it's really just a different version of hard. It's hard to put into words how drained I feel at the end of the day. Even though much of that energy is geared toward having fun with her, its a world where you are constantly on your toes. Never grounded or settled. Waiting for a mood change at any moment, aware of where they are and what they could be getting into at all times. I can never check out or fully devote my thoughts to anything else. So at the end of the day, I feel exhausted without having broken a sweat and completely unaware of the circles I've been running in my head all day. And, in fact, it literally feels like a circle. I am not implying that I am more mentally exhausted than those with insanely intellectual jobs...what I mean is...my brain is currently not receiving a ton of new information. I spend my day pointing at things, repeating words, making animal noises, singing songs. Now don't get me wrong, watching her mind comprehend all these new things I'm teaching her is beyond fascinating and fulfilling, but in a way that is very much about her, about the mother in me. And then there is me....the me that got pushed to the side to make way for this magnificent, joyful, adorable, all-consuming kid. A kid whom I rarely acknowledge my depth of love for because it paralyzes me.

All this to say, if I intend to do the stay-at-home thing for a while, I have got to figure out a way to make room for both of those versions of myself.  So much of my internal struggles lately have all come down to the simple yet excruciatingly difficult act of choice. Choice leaves no more room for denial. Choice leaves you with no scapegoat, no one to blame. Choice is all on you. And that....is terrifying. And vulnerable.

I am going to have to wake up everyday and choose what kind of mom I want to be...and then remind myself every 30 minutes. I keep waiting for my thoughts to catapult me into action, but when my thoughts consist of "what does the puppy say?" or "can you show me purple?", it makes sense that watching 5 episodes of Gossip Girl in a row seems like a step up. In my case, I must act first and pray that some new thought comes from it. Take myself to a museum exhibit, do a crossword puzzle, go on a walk, take a yoga class, go to a park alone and judge other moms (in order to feel better about myself, of course). Anyways, you get the picture.

Well, she stopped crying a while ago. I guess I won.

The four month hiatus

It has been too long. I'm frustrated with myself for not making the time to write. And now so much has happened I find it hard to fill in all the gaps. And I can't even blame it on the baby...well...toddler. I have had time, just no motivation. That's something I wasn't expecting when circumstances allowed me to be stay at home mom. I was never intending to really do the stay at home mom thing but when the option fell in my lap I was excited about it. For about two weeks. It's not her, it's me...I swear. The days run together. I have no structure, no plan. When it is left to me to make that for myself I almost always fail. I am good at being told what to do. Someone give me a task. I need accountability. I'm aware that I can chose to change all these things myself, but sometimes I feel so lost that I don't know how to find my way back to civilization. With every decision I could make, there's 10 excuses to back it up. I thought I would accomplish so much more with her with all the free time I had. But instead I feel guilty for not doing more, not being more creative, watching too much tv, not getting her out of the house enough, not scheduling enough play dates. Not to mention the guilt of not contributing to the finances. Tis motherhood. The guilt that follows you everywhere. I guess I should be giving myself a pat on the back for writing though? It's been almost 4 months so maybe this a step in the right direction.

What has she been up to for the past four months you ask? Well...her crib that once seemed so vast is getting smaller and smaller. I have a little person living with me now. New sounds, new faces. Waving at everyone and anything. Repeating words. Following directions, walking, making animal sounds, throwing tantrums, blowing kisses. I feel like I can see the wheels constantly turning in her mind. It's a fascinating thing to witness. Christmas is around the corner and I cannot wait to watch her open presents and eat grandpas homemade french toast for the first time!

I can't wait to start our own family traditions. Christmas will never be the same. Watching her face light up will be the only thing on my wish list for a while.

The first of the first

Well, it happened. My tiny baby is not a tiny baby anymore. She turned a year old yesterday. The big first. The first of the first. Her party isn't until this weekend but we did go out last night and she opened some presents and ate a cupcake. We spent the morning watching old videos of her being born and our time in the hospital.
Its hard to remember her looking like she did then. Its hard remembering how every little noise she made was the most amazing thing I had ever heard. And now here we are, anticipating her first steps.

I was watching Sex and the City the other night, the one where Miranda's baby turns 1...they were all singing happy birthday and I had a meltdown realizing that I would be singing happy birthday for the first time in my life to my own child. Then I cried the night before yesterday just looking through old pictures of her. Surprisingly yesterday I was a little more emotionally removed. I was also very tired and a tad irritable. But then it snuck up on me again....

I hadn't realized that she would be old enough to actually react to her presents. My in-laws got her a stuffed Lambchop doll that talks. They have the puppet version at their house so she already knows who Lambchop is...I let her pull it out of the bag and she got the biggest smile on her face and then gave him a kiss...then proceeded to use him as a pillow and laid on my chest. I almost died due to my heart exploding out of my chest. I teared up and quickly got it together. The whole restaurant sang happy birthday to her, it was awesome. And then she quickly inhaled the mini (well, 2)..mini cupcakes. It was a good day.

What a bright light she is....to me and the rest of the world. Cannot wait to see what God has in store for her.

Happy First Birthday sweet girl!!! I'm so excited to share in this life journey with you, growing together, molding each other, unconditionally loving one another, butting heads, fighting it out, healing from heart aches, suffering disappointments, seeing the silver linings, and making it to the other side.

In the moment

I'm 5 weeks into The Artist's Way and I feel I've already hit some highs and some lows. I've accomplished some pretty vital tasks such as writing every day, taking time for myself at least once a week to do something I enjoy, and making a creative space for myself in the house....which in turn has helped me make space for myself in my own life. From marriage to motherhood to working, it's taught me that it's okay to be selfish with my solitude...in fact it's necessary. And it's taken a bit to stop feeling guilty about that. It still creeps up every time I go off to have ME time, but I'm getting better at fighting it and feeling confident in my needs.

The lows include anger, shame, sadness, fear. Mostly due to the harsh truth that I've let myself get this far lost from who I really am and what I really love to do. Overwhelming fear of what it's going to take to get back there and what other people will think of me. Disappointment in myself that I care so much what other people will think.

I'm also trying to balance all of this while soaking in Eva's rapid development....not wanting to miss a moment. It feels like every week she's doing something new...making a new noise, having a better understanding when something is funny, realizing different ways her hands can move. It's magical. I need to make a conscious decision to play with her a little more, hold her a little longer before she goes to bed, not be in such a hurry or so worried about the eternal list of things that need to get done... and just live in the moment. And let's be honest....I don't mean all day every day...but making sure it happens at some point every day is a step in the right direction, and God-willing, maybe that will get easier.

the other side

She will turn 1 year old this month. There are no words, really.

I'm running the gamut of emotions.
Denial... disbelief...heartache... joy.... relief.

I feel like her turning a year is like me finally coming up for air. I still have a few pounds I would like to lose, but I can't believe I'm almost to the other side, back to feeling like me again.

Will there ever be a year in my life more significant, more challenging, more beautiful?

The Artists Way

Now that I feel mostly adjusted to the mass amounts of change over the past year....I am ready for more. I just started "The Artist's Way"....for the 2nd time. I received it as a gift almost 4 years ago and was extremely excited about it, but looking back, I was far from being in a good place in life to really pursue and commit to the 12 week study.

Would you believe that I'm actually more nervous about exploring and showing my creative self than i was about becoming a mother? For nearly 10 years I have sat in the shadows watching others do what they love, do what they dream. To this day I have people say..."I had no idea you sing". And every time it's like a slap in the face...me slapping myself in the face. I get nervous singing to my own child, I try to avoid sound-checking my microphone if I can so that no one can hear just MY voice. And I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being scared.

But the scariest part..and maybe the reason that I feel it's time to really work on this, is wondering how much of my own creative struggle and fear will rub off on my child. I know I won't always be the best version of myself for her, but she at least deserves to MEET the happiest version of me. I honestly don't know how I've become so non-chalant about not doing the things that I love for so long.

Hence, why it's time to work on this. I...am...terrified.

separate beings

last week eva and I went on our first adventure. we drove with my parents to Austin....about 14 hours. i thought she did fantastic considering we were able to listen to an entire book on tape without too much interruption. i owe most of the ease to yo gabba gabba. 

she will be 10 months old next week.....how did this happen.

We were in Texas for 6 days and stayed at my brother's house. We were tight on space in the car so I didn't bring her pack n play, she just slept with me on an air mattress. The first night I just lay there next to her...watching her. It was surreal. she wasn't in my arms...she was just her own little person sharing a bed with me. After so many months of her feeling like an appendage, like something physically attached to me...all of the sudden we were separate beings, and i immediately felt an overwhelming need to pull her close to me...to make her one with me again. 

I spent months dreaming of having my personal space again, and now that I have it, it feels like a piece of me is missing.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this feeling will not only remain, but be enhanced by such events as her first day of kindergarten, her first middle school dance, her graduation, her wedding and so on. 

welcome

....and just like that, there are 4 new little ones in the world...WELCOME! Larkin, Silas, Piper and Arie. My heart gets really full when I think of these new moms and their upcoming journey's, each of them in their own unique circumstances and each one of them more than capable of being amazing mothers.

So let's all raise a glass...

And I pray for extra doses of energy and availability to lend a hand, an ear, or whatever is needed for these lovely ladies.

but for now

I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm finally feeling overwhelmed..in a good way. Watching her become her own person, watching her learn things, making her belly laugh, all her new facial expressions. It's just....so overwhelming and the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

What makes it the best, though, is that I finally feel like we are a family. We have a routine, we feel comfortable, there's no more unspoken frustration that i feel is dividing us. I know that it's not just gonna be a cake walk from now on, but for now...I'm happy. Motherhood is finally beginning to feel like what I had pictured it to be in my dreams. I am just...so in love with her.

Anywho...just thought that after months of talking about how hard everything has been, this blog deserved a silver lining post.

Maybe all of the above

My sister has a blog. Jwbcounseling.blogspot.com. I never think to keep up with it ( sorry Jenny) but today I ran across one her posts on Facebook and I really related to it. It was all about creativity and how the lack of it turns into anger, rage, and sometimes shame. It makes me wonder how much of my anger the first six months of motherhood was due to the lack of time for creativity in my life.

My current dilemma is that I have these windows of free time while she is playing or napping that I have no idea how to fill. I need to find a creative project to work on that won't won't frustrate me when is inevitably interrupted. I have always defined myself as being creative. But I'm realizing more and more how terrible I am at it. I know that the process is the most important part, but I get so focused and overwhelmed by the need to know the final product that I never even start. I have an idea and that's as far as it goes. It makes me wonder...I always defined myself as being laid back and go-with-the-flow, but I love structure. I like having a plan and knowing where things are headed. Does that mean I'm neither creative or laid back? Maybe i have just been defining myself the way I WISH I saw myself..how I want others to see me. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. Maybe I'm just having to redefine myself now that I am a mom.

Maybe all of the above.

Well that's quite a bit of food for my thoughts. How do I teach myself to be creative after thinking I've been creative my whole life? It's like needing to take a 101 class when you thought you already graduated. If someone is giving free lessons, let me know.

Y or die

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this in any previous post....but just a note to all new moms or soon-to-be new moms.....the YMCA is your best friend!! It gets you out of the house, it gives you a free babysitter for up to 2 hours, and you leave feeling better about yourself for working out. For me, even if my husband was watching her for a bit so I could get a break, I still felt rushed as if I was about to get a text asking how much longer I was gonna be. With the nursery at the Y, I didn't have to feel guilty like they were doing me a huge favor by watching my kid. That's what they are there for. I can't tell you how good it felt to not have that burden hanging on my shoulders.

I've taken yoga in the past and always enjoyed it but I definitely always thought it was kind of cheesy. The way they talk and all the stuff they say while they try and get you to relax at the beginning and end of class.....but once I had that baby, man. It was like they were talking to me! "try and focus on why you are here today", " this is about YOU", "let go of the stresses of your day and find some inner peace". I turned into a total sap, eating up everything they said.

Originally I started going just to make myself stretch and loosen up because i was so tight everywhere. Little did I know how much it would help me on an emotional level. It was the only time of my day/week where I honestly felt like it was about me again. Even if only for an hour. And it was refreshing being in a place where no one knew I had a baby....I could just be me without anyone asking me how the baby is doing. Those small breaks you can get in the beginning are so important. I often wouldn't want to take them because I wouldn't want to miss a feeding and have to use a bottle that I had tried so hard to get as back up. It felt like a waste. At one point I told my husband that even if I said I didn't want to get out of the house, that he had to make me.

Anyways, this was all more relevant when she was about 3-6 moths old. However I still make myself go to the Y at least 3 times a week. I decided that if I was going to start having a plan for my day/week, it was going to have to revolve around something more than my baby's schedule. Something that helped ME, that was important to ME and my well being. Something to keep me sane. It has been the escape I so desperately needed along with jump starting me into losing all this baby weight. WIN/WIN!

babies, babies, and more babies!

It is insane the number of people I know that are currently pregnant. 4 of which are due in the next 3 weeks. I have been trying to host small get-togethers so that they can all meet each-other. I didn't have any pregnant friends while I was, so I thought it would be helpful for them to know not just other moms, but other women going through the same thing at the same time.

I was reading through old blogs today and it was blowing my mind how much I'm really starting to forget about how hard the first 6 months were. It's not that I don't remember, it's more like I can't emotionally relate to it anymore. When I was in the middle of it, I had never experienced anything so all-consuming. Now that I am about to have so many moms with newborns around...I find myself feeling some of that heaviness in anticipation for what they are all about to experience.

I am overwhelmed by my desire to help them in any way I can. To be a support system physically, emotionally, and mentally. I haven't felt this passionate about something in a long time. Not to mention my excitement for finally having some (new) mom friends!!

So i dedicate this post to all the ladies I know about to pop these little ones out: Margaret, Emily, Deanna, Whitney, Paige, Tamara, Liz...and Stephanie ( who's little one is only a couple weeks old)! I can't wait to share in this journey with all of you and please please please let me help you in any way I can.

Love to all.

the calm

well, things have been pretty quiet. no recent meltdowns or epiphanies.

i am, however, falling more and more in love with her. i feel like i have finally reached the place where i genuinely love spending time with her...all my time. i find myself, less and less, needing to escape it all. that feels good. i was worried for a while that i might be missing that mom gene.

she is very close to crawling so in a way i feel like this is the calm before the next big transition. therefore i'm trying to really enjoy these last weeks without her being mobile because i know that will come with a whole set of new challenges.

the first 6 months were so non-stop overwhelming that it's been really nice to have down time. from 7-8 months i feel like i had time to ease into a comfort zone a little bit and reboot.

we have had 3 nights now where she has spent the night with my in-laws, so that's been really nice...just to have that as an option. the only struggle with that is trying not to have crazy expectations. I subconsciously decide that any night away from her has to be the best night of my life, which is ridiculous. but it just happens and often i end up going to bed a little disappointed. obviously the more i am able to go out the less of a rarity it will be and my expectations will adjust.

warm weather pleeaase get here!

I have never in my life been more ready for Spring. And I think it's finally here to stay!! It has been so hard to find (free) things to do as a family. When my husband is home, it's hard for him to relax and have quality time with us at the house because he can't jolt himself out of "work mode". And it's so easy to just turn the TV on.

I could feel myself reaching a wall last week...but then the weekend got here and we spent Friday and Saturday outside, going on walks, etc and it was exactly what I needed.

My biggest fear at the moment, and something that I have said to my husband is that, I fear when he gets overwhelmed and stressed out (work-related), we won't be on his list of escape options. I fear his initial desire will be to get out of the house and need space. Don't get me wrong, I am all about giving him some space when he needs it....but when he's just stressed out about work or finances, I want him to see spending time with us as a release from all that. I want us to feel part of the solution, not the problem. I don't want to feel lumped into his obligations.

Anyways, I'm hoping that this warm weather will open up those doors that enable us to spend more time together without a computer of TV around. More time spent getting exercise and having conversations.

words of affirmation

So, i think I had a small realization since I wrote last...
well, maybe it's not small?....or i shouldn't downplay it at least.

simply put...my love languages are changing.

Quality time has always been my #1...maybe physical touch coming in 2nd?
 well...there isn't much time for quality time anymore, so i have had to adjust to that. and its hard to want physical touch when you don't feel good about your body.

so at this point, there is a huge gap in me receiving any kind of love that is fulfilling to me. the kind of love that can sustain me through the week and help prevent my massive meltdowns.

Between grocery shopping, planning healthy meals out for the week, cooking, keeping the kitchen clean, working out 4 days a week, planning my mom's 60th birthday party, oh..and raising a baby, I desperately need some acknowledgement as to what a great job I'm doing.

Words of Affirmation has never been high on my list. But I've realized that when I get so upset, it's because in my mind I'm screaming "Look how much I've changed!! Look how much I've given up!! Look how hard I'm trying to get back in shape!!"....I know he knows this and notices it, but I need him to tell me....A LOT.

to his credit, i have made it very clear in the past that words of affirmation was not a big deal to me, so much so that I felt really silly asking for it. I can't tell you how much better I feel when he tells me what an amazing mom/wife/hard worker I am and that he notices. It feels like taking in the deepest breath of fresh air.

i guess it makes sense, though....that when you transition into being a mom and your whole world changes, that the way you give and receive love also changes. 

it just takes time

am i going to go through the rest of my life always feeling that this whole thing is unfair? I have GOT to find a way to be at peace with motherhood and all that comes with it. will that ever happen? will I ever get there?

On good days, I am able to graciously accept that my life seems unfair, but on the days that it's a struggle, it takes over me like a disease. I go on an internal rant in my head and all logic disappears. All this anger/resentment/disappointment builds up inside me and I don't know how to let it out without exploding on my husband, so I just push it down and walk around like a zombie all day. He obviously becomes very aware that I am not myself and wants to talk about it....but at that point i am so worked up that I feel there is no way to have a healthy discussion about it.

this is where i currently am....trying to learn what to do with all that emotion, or figure out how to stop it before it builds up so much.

i know i need to get to the root of the problem. which is nothing new. i still have a hard time trusting that he will make us a priority. i'm always comparing that i have had to change more than he has. and i'm sick of it. it makes me feel like a child. stomping my foot around yelling "but this isn't fair!!"

i'm guessing like the majority of difficult things in life...it just takes time?
it continues to blow my mind at how similar the emotional journeys are between birth and death. when someone passes away, you all of the sudden have to rearrange your life without them in it, and its overwhelming and exhausting and UNFAIR and you wonder when it will stop hurting and get better. and everyone says...."It just takes time".

ugh..ok, fine. i get it.

ON/OFF

I have had a really good week....I'm going to the Y four days a week, rotating between running/weights, yoga, cycling, and zumba. i've also been going to trader joe's at the beginning of the week and buying groceries for the week and semi-planning meals. if you know me...this is a big deal. i have been trying to put more effort into planning daytime dates with people whether its with another mom or just meeting a friend for coffee. so i have felt pretty good. but that feeling never seems to stay around for too long.

It's like i only have 2 settings now....ON and OFF. if i'm ON i feel really motivated and positive and i feel like super mom who's got it all together. but in reality even that version of me is hanging by a thread. so any hiccup or glitch in my day (i.e.. bad weather, not enough money, no one available to meet up or hang) has the potential to make me turn OFF.

when i am OFF i become my old self. I look at my new mom routine from the outside and wonder what the hell happened to my life. typically I am ok with the fact that I can't go out to parties anymore but this week there was one party in particular that i wanted to go to and it didn't work out. It's one thing to see pictures of friends out and having fun but its even worse when the party they are at is one that your own husband is throwing. and in this town...he throws most of the parties.

i have also been struggling this week with feeling like i don't belong anywhere. i don't belong with my single friends anymore, but i also don't really belong in the mom world yet either.

anyways...it all just makes me feel lonely and overwhelmed with how eternal this whole parenthood thing is. hopefully the longer i am a parent..my old self and new self will slowly merge into one self and it won't feel like i'm faking it sometimes. hopefully someday there won't be and ON and OFF. there will just be me.

50/50

I have to say....as far as we have "advanced" since previous generations when it comes to parenting, i find myself envying them sometimes.

I appreciate that our generation is always striving to have more equality between couples when it comes to keeping the house clean, cooking, changing diapers, etc....but at the end of the day it just seems to add more stress in my life. i need structure...i crave structure. and back in the day....the gender roles were very clear. he makes the money, she takes care of the house and the children.

the issue for me is not that i can't do all the "mom/wife" stuff by myself...it's the constant waiting around for him to "help" more and always feeling disappointed. this is NOT because he doesn't help me (he does all the laundry :) )...it's because i have these vague expectations of what he is "supposed" to do. because it's 2013 and isn't everything 50/50 now?

it's the not knowing what my role is and what is expected of me that is making this even harder than it should be. since i don't know what is expected of me, i can't possibly know what i expect of him....all i know is that if i don't logically define what i need from him, he will constantly be letting me down without even knowing it. thus begins the cycle of him thinking he's being helpful, me not really acknowledging his help because i'm still bitter about all the OTHER things he's not doing, then us both shutting down.

The talk we finally had that helped break this cycle was me asking him to acknowledge that even when he was home....it was not 50/50. i am fine with being the stay at home parent and actually enjoy it most of the time, but the more he acted like he contributed 50%, the more frustrated i got.

i am aware that our roles will change over the course of time as our kids grow, and that maybe 50/50 will someday be a possibility....but regardless, that talk was the first step in helping define our roles as parents and creating even the tiniest bit of structure in our day to day.

PS: ( during this struggle of expectations i was reading "I'd Trade My Husband For A Housekeeper: loving marriage after baby carriage". The title sounds like it's talking down about husbands but its actually the opposite. it is the only book i have read so far that i really connected with. and it is what pushed me to talk to him about everything i was feeling and helped me stop resenting him all the time).

any communication is better than no communication

I am now at the 6 month mark....which i feel like was another big hurdle. maybe there is just a hurdle every 3 months? The 6 month mark has been a big step for me in multiple ways.

First of all...I have reached my breastfeeding goal! i thought i would maybe go longer depending on how i felt...but i honestly think that because i was anticipating being done, my body has literally stopped producing milk without me even trying. it's so insane how our minds can create a physical reaction.

Secondly, I have finally started to voice some of my struggles to Jeremy. I don't know why it has been so difficult to do that. Worst case scenario is that we will fight, which isn't the end of the world, so i don't know why I've been filled with so much fear about it. I do hate confrontation. I have to realize that ANY communication is better than no communication at all. Although the talks may have been rocky...it was a huge relief to break that barrier of pretending to be content with the way things were.

I had been not only planning my day around Eva but him as well, and at the end of the day i would feel angry and depressed for not having done anything fun or productive. I had this fear that if I didn't spend time with him at home while he was working, that we would never see each other. Our talk enabled him to give me his full support that I should plan my day with her in a way that brings me joy and that I have to trust that when he can, he will make it a priority to participate.

These last 3 months have really hammered into me how important it is to keep talking to each other. no matter what. what you have to say may be trivial, it may be wrong, it may be hurtful, but keeping it all in creates a gap between the two of you that over time will grow wider and wider.

great expectations

sometimes i feel trapped in a pit of resentment....which i have read is extremely common. lately it has made me furious how different men and women are. and it becomes easy to forget the ways we are compatible.

being a mom, i live in the day to day...he is thinking and planning for the future.

this concept is supposed to feel balanced...and i know that i need someone to be looking out for the future of my family. that is his role. and a role i am grateful for. but sometimes it makes me feel so separate from him, living in a completely different world. and because of that, motherhood can seem like a very lonely place sometimes. 

i had this expectation that having a baby would inevitably change the way we do things...equally. but there are things that she needs from me, she is more reliant on me...therefore i have had to make much more drastic changes to my life. as hard as that is, it's a baby...an innocent outside source that is giving me no choice but to adjust. i can't really direct any anger towards her for that. 

what i'm trying to say is that i thought we would both have to adjust our lives for her...when in reality i'm adjusting my life for her and he is adjusting his life more for me. this isn't a negative thing necessarily, i just hate that i feel like the bad guy. she was supposed to be the bad guy. i have to be the one to ask him to change things and vocalize what i need from him. so if he gets frustrated, i'm the one it is directed at because i'm the one asking for it. i didn't think I would be the one having to turn his world upside down...

now and then

no new revelations to point out at the moment, but i'm afraid if i don't keep up with posting then i'll eventually quit.

so i thought i could inform you a little about my story.

I married my next door neighbor whom i met when i was 17. We were married by the time i was 22. and i was pregnant by 27. My husband is a DJ. He didn't become a DJ until the first year or so into being married. Needless to say, that made for an interesting and quite adventure-filled marriage. Extreme highs and extreme lows....which i would say is an accurate definition of any marriage.

2008-2012 was a continuous series of late nights full of friends, dancing, sweating, drinking, and terrible 3am food choices. It was fun...and exhausting and after a while we were ready for the next thing. "Ready" being the operative word. I knew I would never really be ready for a kid so we just rolled the dice and waited to see what would happen.

I found out I was pregnant on December 13th 2012. Even though I knew it was a huge possibility, I was still so shocked when that stick had two lines. I immediately began the long process of preparing for the shift that my life would soon take.....a process i fear i will be in forever.

He is still a DJ and I think will be for some time. I still get to go out every once in a while but of course there is this looming sense of responsibility hanging over me all of the time. Since she is still a baby it's easy to have her on our late night schedule...but it's going to have to change soon and I am currently wondering  how all of that is going to work itself out. One day at a time, I guess.

surrender

My life has felt too busy to have time to my own thoughts. We are moving this week and there is much to be done.

 I don't have much to say at the moment except that something I keep thinking about is how much surrender it requires to be a mom. That word, surrender, will always be a biblical word to me. The song "I Surrender All" is what immediately comes to mind.

I think about how much I have had to let go and surrender to this new role and how much of a battle it was. And it makes me realize that if this is what the struggle of surrender feels like....have i ever really surrendered to God? With all of me? At my own will?

Sure i have had some rock bottoms where there seems to be no where else to turn, but those times often come in phases and heal with time. Choosing to be a mother....that is a lifetimes worth of surrender. Believe me, I'm thrilled to be forced into becoming a more selfless person. But that's just it...i feel i have no choice but to step up to the plate. With God, I will always have a choice. And I fear I will always make the wrong one, or the easy one, or whatever. you get the point.

that's all i got today.

just the way God intended

For me, 3 months was the length of the first big hurdle. I feel like it took me 3 months to fall in love with her and stop fighting my new role as a mother. I began to feel like I was getting the hang of things...that is until I realized I had been so focused on my relationship with Eva that I had not even begun to address my new parental relationship with my husband. This phase is where I am currently.

Its just...so hard.

In my mind I visualized that creating a family would be a beautiful add-on to what we had already established as a couple. And in many, many ways that 11 years we had alone together has been crucial to surviving. But I had no idea how much it would feel as though we are starting over...from square one. How to communicate, how to be intimate, learning a new level of patience and selflessness. There is so little left over for each other at the end of the day. Both of you are exhausted and on edge and both of you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility in completely different ways.

One of the main things that has helped us not destroy one another is our agreement to stop comparing our situations.

It didn't take very long, ( a comment here, a comment there) for us to realize that we would never understand what the other person was going through. I don't understand the pressure of being financially responsible for a family, he doesn't understand the pressure of her relying on me for every meal, he thinks he is more tired because he works on top of helping with her while he is home, i think I'm more tired because i feel so mentally drained from how my whole world has changed...not to mention the physical and mental recovery of how I feel about my body.

So we agreed... to try and never compare who is more tired, who has had the harder day, etc. Otherwise we will be having that argument for the rest of our lives...with no closure.

Another misleading expectation I had about what "family life" looks like, is two people working together to raise their children. Although that will be the case somewhere down the road, it certainly is not the case in the beginning. While you imagine being on the same team with your spouse, in reality, the two of you are just taking shifts. He has her, then i have her, then he has her, then i have her. There are few moments when you feel that you are both putting in the same amount of effort at the same time.

One of those moments for me was Eva getting the flu. As sad as it was watching her be sick with a high fever and runny nose....it was the first time I really felt like a family. We both equally put everything on hold to take care of our little girl. and it was beautiful.

its amazing how helping someone in need immediately frees you from your own worries and fears. like a new-found energy that comes out of nowhere just when you think you're running on empty......what a beautiful thing....just the way God intended.

a necessary balance

I can pinpoint the exact moment I finally felt like a mom. She was nearly 3 months old...i was sitting in bed feeding her. For those of you who don't know, newborns almost always eat with their eyes closed. I was working on my computer while she ate and happened to glance down at her. Naturally,  i expected for her to be practically asleep.

I quickly glanced down and caught her, wide-eyed,  staring right at me...just watching me. She had never stared at me before like that...holding her gaze. For the first time I felt like she knew me... recognized me and was fascinated by me. We just sat there exploring each others faces, keeping eye contact for what felt like forever while tears ran down my cheeks. It was such an overwhelming moment...to feel like a mom for the first time.

I had struggled for the first 2 months feeling like I was faking motherhood. Hearing the words "my daughter" leaving my lips felt like a foreign language. I kept wondering when the whole thing was gonna sink in. After she stared at me that night, I realized that it wasn't gonna be until she acknowledged me as her mom that i would ever feel like a mom.

I realized that one of the reasons the first 3 months were so difficult, was due to the fact that I defined myself according to how she saw me. When I was simply a source of food for her, that's what I felt like. I felt nothing but used up. At 3 months when she began to make eye contact and follow me across the room, i slowly began to feel noticed. Its amazing how much my feelings toward her changed once I felt noticed and important to her. I mattered. The more interactive she became, the more I started falling in love with her.

Its amazing how even with a baby....our need for the balance of a giving/receiving relationship is so necessary in order to be happy.

so much change in a single moment

A huge factor that has made early motherhood more difficult than expected, is breastfeeding. I knew that breastfeeding had the potential to be very challenging...but I only considered the physical challenges. Once I got in to the groove of things...no cracked nipples, she latched well, etc..I thought the toughest was behind me. Twas not the case.

I envied the freedom that my husband had...being able to get out of the house without having to give a second thought to her eating schedule, when it seemed as though that's what my entire life revolved around. I felt so attached to her, like I could never escape. And if I really wanted a break I had to plan a bottle and make time to pump an extra feeding. Often I wouldn't take opportunities to go out because it seemed like more work to figure out a bottle. It also made me feel more alone in my responsibility for her....i felt like i carried more because at the end of the day, it all falls on me. she relies on ME. 

I gave myself the goal of 6 months...and literally the only thing keeping me motivated is losing weight. Apparently you burn the most fat from breastfeeding from 3-6 months. I remind myself of this constantly. I'm at around 4 and a half months at the moment, and I will say, its gotten easier. due mostly to my acceptance of it.

The first 3 months were so difficult for me because it was a constant battle between who I was and who I am now supposed to be. I have never experienced such drastic change before. Its amazing how life and death are so similar in that sense. So much change over the course of a single moment. I found myself angry a lot and I couldn't figure out how to explain why. Then I realized...I was in a huge fight..with myself. Even acknowledging why i was angry was so helpful. Realizing that it makes sense to be angry. To be at odds with myself. My life had changed completely overnight and it was going to take some time to really let go of the control i used to have over my every day. i was officially on the path to becoming less selfish and i was not going down without a fight. 

a new kind of everything

The first two weeks of motherhood were magic. My mom, dad and sister traded off shifts, cooking me food, cleaning my house, holding her, changing her. And the drugs....the sweet sweet drugs, enable you to fall into the deepest sleep effortlessly. I would wake up after 30 minutes feeling as though I had been asleep for days.

It was probably around weeks 3-4 that reality began to set in. Honestly I'm glad I journaled a bit about it because its hard to remember what I felt like.

(I'm pretty positive God makes you forget the hard stuff...otherwise no one would have more than one kid.)

Without constant help I found myself getting frustrated with her very easily. This was always immediately followed by guilt and feeling like a failure. As a woman I think it's easy to feel like motherhood should come naturally and that it should be very fulfilling. Don't get me wrong...it IS fulfilling...but more in spurts more than a constant stream. I quickly realized that my love for her would not just appear overnight as i had expected, but that this was going to be gradual. As normal as I know that is, it made it harder watching my husband be head over heels for her immediately. He couldn't wait to spend time with her, and I couldn't wait to get away from her. I found myself building up of this resentment towards her. A big step for me was admitting that although I was not crying all the time...that didn't mean I wasn't dealing with PPD. It has many faces. Sneaky faces.

A huge issue for me was that I could not put words to what I was feeling. Therefore I didn't know how to talk to anybody about it. But that's just it....how do you put words to feelings that you've never had before? i was expecting to feel a new kind of love, but did not anticipate that almost everything i felt would be new as well.

From the beginning...

Although my little one is 4 months old now, there is much to be said about the beginning.

 I am by no means an organized, anal, or type A person...however I tried very hard to be as emotionally prepared for this baby as possible. Worried that I would fall into PPD easily, I spent several weeks during my pregnancy grieving the loss of what would change after her arrival. Coming to terms with how my friendships would change, how my marriage would change, how my body would change, etc...I thought that if I got it all out of my system in the beginning...then all I would feel when she arrived would be love. Overwhelming, endless, blinding love.

I pictured her birth so many times in my head...the anticipation, Jeremy and I weeping as the doctor handed her to me. Everytime I would imagine it, I would cry...especially during the last trimester. Naturally.

 The actual moment in no way was a let down..but it was very different than I had imagined it to be. It was all too much in the beginning. Too much for me to comprehend. Too much for me to take in. It's like everyone in the movies has this amazing awareness that they just had a baby. As if that's a simple/normal thing for your brain to compute. My brain would have exploded had I not been in so much shock. Thank goodness you have nurses and drugs and family to help ease you from your shock into your reality.

But not to fret, Jeremy and I finally had our moment, the one I pictured in my head for so long, late into the first evening after all the guests had left. He was holding her and we both broke down and it was one of the best moments of my like, however I didn't know I would be eating unnecessarily juicy hospital broccoli at the time....therefore my crying was extra messy and we found ourselves enveloped in the perfectly harmonious cycle of crying and laughing. I could have lived in that moment for weeks.

here goes nothin

i am new at this so bare with me....
 
i suppose i should begin by explaining why this blog exists in the first place.

i am a new mom.

i have been thrust into a world where everything is new at every turn and journaling (when i manage to find time) is no longer enough. i have become so overwhelmed with this role that i wonder how every new mom doesn't see a therapist just to have someone to spill all their thoughts onto. oh that's right...there's no time! As much as I hope this will be an avenue for me to untangle the chaos in my brain, my goal for this blog is to hopefully help other new moms navigate their way through first-time motherhood as well. real motherhood. not the romanticized version of motherhood.

so that's what i'm doing here.

 "motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. nothing else will ever make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite so hard as helping a person develop his own individuality, especially while you struggle to keep your own."

-marguerite kelly & elia parsons